Loneliness and A New Way of Life

I think it is safe to say that this has been one of the most stretching weeks of my life. Not the most difficult. Not the worst. But probably the most stretching. And I would say that it is a stretching of my emotions and my mindset more than anything else.

For those who have not been following my move, I packed everything up on Tuesday and my Dad, Don Riley, and two of my sisters (Krishauna and Taryn) brought me here to San Pablo La Laguna, my new home. We spent some time working on the house, headed to San Pedro to spend the night in a hotel (as a bit of indoor construction work was still underway) and we returned the next morning to finish unpacking and doing odds and ends in the house. My dad and Don then headed home but my sisters stuck around to help me get started. This is where I left off on my last blog post.

My sisters were here from Wednesday until yesterday (Monday) morning. During that time, we worked together to figure out how I was going to need to run things around here. We had a few foods that my mom let me take from home to help us get started or get us out of a jam when we were stuck (a couple boxes of mac-n-cheese, some crackers, coffee, a bit of rice, sugar, salt, and milk power, peanut butter (who-hoo!) and a few other treats) but we knew that I had to learn and our supplies wouldn’t last long, so we set out on Wednesday afternoon to learn! First, we headed to Pastor Efraín and Bety’s house to talk with the family and see how they were doing. Their daughter had just come home from the hospital with her new little boy, so we got to meet the precious little guy and catch up with the whole family. They then graciously sent their friend and house worker to go with us to show us where we could buy a few veggies and cooking supplies for dinner. (It is easy enough to find these things in a town like this—there are tiendas [little house stores] galore! But it can be a little harder for foreigners like us to know the fare price of these items in a new town since many store owners are quite eager to take advantage of a white skinned buyer, and prices vary from town to down).

One of the streets in town
 

So within ten minutes of setting out with María for food, we were back at my house with our veggies and additional items. That meal and the meals to follow were a bit interesting as we had to experiment with my funny little stove and oven and our new foods to try to get things right, but we ended up with some pretty delicious meals (aside from a couple of rough sides). This was thanks to my sisters because, for those of you who don’t know me well, I have no idea how to cook. But…I am learning! And I will continue to learn and practice until it is natural for me (I say with feigned confidence). But that little trip out with María was the first of multiple trips out last week.

Many cooking attempts...some a little rough, some wonderful! All with very few ingredients 
 
   


The next morning, the girls and I made and ate breakfast and I had some quiet time with God. During my prayer time, I talked to God about our plans for the day but asked Him to override or rearrange our plans as he saw fit. Our plan had been to head out on our own right after that to explore and look for more tiendas and needed supplies. But as I grabbed my dog’s leash and headed out the front door, there was our friend and translator, Mitchel (he has been working with our ministry ever since we started making trips to San Pablo to work with families here), standing at the doorstep. He asked our plans for day, and we told him. He said that he was asking because he wanted to invite us to watch a girl’s soccer game in which he was the coach and his wife, María, was the referee. We eagerly accepted the invitation and then he offered to take us walking around town to point out various tiendas and meat shops to buy what we need. We eagerly accepted that, as well. Over the next twenty minutes or so, he was able to point out to us the best places to go for fair prices and good quality food on all of the main streets here in town. He even introduced us to the owners of a couple of places so that we felt comfortable with them, as well as the prices they give us. That trip out left me feeling so much better about buying things on my own. Another answer to prayer!

Girl’s soccer game!


My goal, as well as my sisters’ goal, for this first full week here has been to push myself out of my comfort zone and get out there as much as possible. I believe that I am naturally an extreme introvert but that God has been changing me for His purposes in recent years and that it is my job to do everything that I can to let Him continue to do so. So the first few days here I would say to my sisters, “I really want to stay shut up in this house right now, so let’s go on a walk.” Or, “I’d really like some privacy right now (so people don’t see me looking ridiculous as I try to cut vegetables and cook), so let’s make sure the front door to the street stays open” or “I feel like there might be some coldness coming from some of the owner’s family, so I’m going to go ask them if they can help me learn some new Tz’utujil words”. And when I didn’t state these things, Krishauna would recognize them and determine them for me. (Thanks, Shauna!) We also did a ton of scrubbing on my filthy, filthy walls to make the house a little more…homey. Those five days and five nights, we learned a lot and I came far in growing more comfortable in my house as well as my town.

A couple of before and after photos showing the type of cleaning we were doing
  
  
My clean water source, my broom-made-into-a-mop, and my hot water source (something not many people have here)
  

Some scenes that I see when I look out my front door or window:
 
 

But yesterday morning at 9:30 my sisters climbed on a van headed for Antigua, and suddenly I was alone. I came back to the house where Champ was waiting and I hugged him and pet him, and I cried. Not because I’ve never been alone before. And not because I’m already homesick. I cried because although I will get to go back to visit my family for the holidays and other times in the future, I live here now. I live in a house with just my dog in the middle of a culture that is not only unlike the culture of my home country but also unlike the culture of the town where I have lived for the past 3 1/2 years. And while I know some people here from our once a month trips to San Pablo, I don’t know them well and none of them really know me. And further, I have never had the desire to live alone. Ever. Maybe with a couple of sisters or friends. Certainly with a husband. But never have I had a desire to live by myself. And yet here I am. All of this was hitting me like a fist to the gut and suddenly, I didn’t even know how to make rice for lunch. I messed it up before I had even really gotten started. I called home in tears, and spent some time talking to my mom. (I had done the same with my dad a few days before.)

I hate sharing this stuff because it makes me look like a very young and foolish little girl, but…well, that’s how I felt yesterday, and I just want to be honest with all of you. I think we all have our low points and too often we are too busy hiding it to know that others have them, too, and even more…that our weaknesses are opportunities for God to show His power. So since I am sharing these weaknesses, when things are going well here and lives are being changed, no one can say “Good work, Brittney! You are awesome doing what you do!” Instead can say, “Wow, Britt, you never could have pulled that off on your own. (I remember because you were a mess in the beginning) but how cool that God chose to use you while He did his work!”

So, after talking with my mom a bit (and getting some tips for how to prepare the rice the Guatemalan way), I hung up the phone, finished preparing my lunch, ate through tears, washed and dried my dishes, washed some clothes, hung them on the roof, and sat down for some time to myself. I spend time praying and talking to God (although struggling to keep the right mindset) and then I was a lazy for a bit.

 

Eventually, a few 11 and 12 year old girls that live behind my house came to my gated door, calling in for Champ and then calling me. I went out to talk with them and they helped me practice my new Tz’utujil vocabulary that they have been teaching me. It helped me relax a little bit and get my mind off of things. I then went on a walk with a friend (who is the young mother of one of the children our ministry helps) to the lake’s shore and talked with her about her interesting weekend. By the time we got back to the house, it was getting dark and I still was not quite myself emotionally, so I closed my door (something I don’t like to do until later in the night) and I had some more time to myself. I got on Facebook and received a message from my dear friend, Jon, who has become like a close brother. When he realized that I was struggling, it came to his mind to walk me through 1 Chronicles 16:7-12. So that is what we did! He broke it down verse by verse and we did what those verses said, giving thanks to God, calling on his name, singing praise and telling of his wonderful acts, seeking the Lord and his strength and remembering the works He has done as well as the promises that He has given us. By the end, my eyes and heart were directed where they should be and I was feeling much better.

Thank you, Lord, for using my friend to do your work on my heart in the moment I most needed it!

God also reminded me of something yesterday. I have been feeling like this adventure is not enjoyable because I have no one with whom to share it. But that isn’t true. This, in fact, is the perfect opportunity for me to walk hand in hand with my God, many distractions now aside, and fall more in love with Him than ever before. For now, I have no husband. For now, I have no close friends or family by my side. But I do have my God. And He can be for me a father, a mother, a husband, and a best friend all while being my Creator, King, and Lord. Is that not amazing?! So maybe this “loneliness” is something beautiful that God planned for me in this part of my life. Not so that I would be heartbroken but so that I could learn to love and be loved like never before. I love that. My God is incredible! And all for His glory. (Is He not best glorified when His creation is loving and glorifying Him?!)

I then headed to bed without dinner (messed up emotions also mess up your appetite) but feeling very a peace. This morning, I woke up at 6:30 feeling very well rested and quite positive about things. I have no doubt that yesterday was another day of me accepting lies from the enemies (my dad and I had this conversation just days before), and I have no doubt that these lies will be thrown at me again. But I am going to be more intentional about seeking out and rereading the truths of God so that I learn to speak them against the lies as they arise. I’m going to let God prepare me for battle…because there is going to be a lot of that around here as God does His work in the hearts and lives of the children and adults in this town.

Alright, I needed to share that with all of you because, frankly, this heart stuff is of greater importance than that which follows in this post. But so that you, my friends and family, understand what all I am doing here, I will give a more schedule oriented update of what today is looking like thus far and how I expect many days will look a bit like in the future.

6:30 to 8:00 Rise and shine! Shower and get ready, open up curtains, doors and windows, let my dog on the roof to use the restroom (more on that in the pictures), go on a walk to buy bread to go with breakfast, make and eat breakfast, wash dishes, and do any necessary odds-n-ends.

8:00-10:00 Sit on the outside doorstep for Bible reading and prayer journaling (something not many people seem to do here) and be interrupted by curious children and neighbors. Have conversations and build relationships and then, if not yet finished and having too many interruptions, head inside to finish quiet time. Sweep up in and outside the house, clean up the dog’s potty area on the roof, wash any necessary laundry and hang on the roof to dry.

My favorite sitting spot in the house, the 'pila' for washing dishes and clothes, my clothesline on the roof, and Champ's potty spot on the roof (yes, that is saw dust and wood shavings...apparently that's how they do things here)
   

10:00-12:30 Study new Tz’utujil vocab, blog and/or send emails/messages (the photo below is of the paper where I am keeping track of the Tz’utujil words [and their Spanish equivalent usually] that I have been taught…some of them are written correctly and others are written to help me better pronounce them)


12:30 Make lunch (however long that might take) and eat, making it the biggest meal of the day (and hopefully making extras to store in fridge for quick, small dinners when necessary.

Afternoon hours: Take a walk, buy needed veggies for the rest of the day and maybe the next. Stop and talk to neighbors and tienda owners whenever they seem eager or willing. Spend time with the children and young teens who randomly pop by and call out “Chomp!” (aka: Champ) or “Bdeet-naaay!” (aka: me). Work on making plans for academic assessment and teaching of children with special needs here in town and gathering resources.

6:30 Eat a small dinner and clean myself up.

7:00 Possibly go to evening church service (many churches have services almost every night of the week).

8:00 Go back to my house to sit on the door step to visit with the girls and women selling fruits and vegetables there, learning and practicing Tz’utujil vocab and grammar.

Whenever I feel like it: Heading inside and closing up doors and windows to get a little time to myself before bed.

10:00 Turn off porch lights (as the women are done selling) and head to bed.

This is pretty much what this day will look like and close to what the average day will look like for now. As I move into working with specific children, I will let you all know what is happening! I am trying to focus on the language learning and the nailing down and increased speed of the skills needed for daily life here in these beginning weeks. But very soon, I hope to begin talking with families that we know and determining which students I am going to work with first and what I can do to best help them in the time that I have with them. In a future post, I will give you all a description of the vision that I have for how this program might work, but in the meantime…this is my start here!

The timing isn’t ideal (as I am still getting started here), but tomorrow my parents will come to pick me up (and see the little life that God and I…and Champ…are building here) so that I can be with my family for Thanksgiving and a special weekend with everyone from the home and ministry. Monday or Tuesday, I will be back here to resume life in San Pablo for a few weeks until Christmas. (Don’t worry, I won’t always be back and forth so frequently!)

Can’t wait to see all that God has in store! And I’m not quite as anxious but certainly ready to see what God still has left to do in my heart. For those of you who are Christ-followers, I would greatly appreciate your prayers as He does this work in me so that He can do work through me.

The Day Is Here!

Up until now, this has been a dream. A plan for later. Something to work toward. But Tuesday morning, my family and I loaded most of my things (including my dog, my bed (thanks, Pat Duff!), and other new furniture) into our 15 passenger van and my dad, Don Riley, Krishauna, Taryn, and I headed for Lake Átitlan. Three hours, a couple of shopping stops, and a lunch break later, we pulled into San Pablo La Laguna and came to a stop in front of my new house. My new house. In my new town. Woah. It’s a lot to take in!

 

New town.
New culture.
New language in the mix.
First time living on my own.

It’s shocking. But as I sit here in my kitchen the morning after my first night here, I am happy. Almost like a nervous but giddy little girl waiting to see what her daddy has in store for her in some fun, little adventure. Probably because I AM that little girl. And my Daddy has a LOT in store. I don’t know what that is yet. I don’t know what the next few weeks and months and years are going to look like. But He invited me, I said yes, and now I get to hang on for the ride!

Don’t get me wrong: There have been tears. Just two Tuesday morning, as I packed my final things, I broke down and had to spend a few minutes just talking with my parents. Truth be told, this situation is not my first choice. I have never had a desire to live on my own, and I do not really enjoy the idea of needing to learn a language so difficult and unique as this one. I love having my siblings around me (most of the time) (: and my heart feels sick at the thought of not being able to be at the home as children, our children/siblings, come and go from the home and face sickness and seizures and emotional challenges. I love the ministry that our family has there, and it is going to be so hard to not be there with them. But Tuesday morning I climbed up onto our roof one last time and I told God that even though I was pretty nervous and overwhelmed, I told Him ‘yes’ and my ‘yes’ still stands. I will not back out just because this does not fully line up with my own dreams of “ideal”, because I trust Him to the point that I know His plans will always be better than mine.

I’m also coming to understand that He knows my own heart and needs better than I do. And while He owes me absolutely nothing, He has faithfully continued to meet all of my greatest needs up until this day; what reason would I have to doubt Him now? There is absolutely no reason.

I have much more to share with you all about all that God is teaching me and all the ways that I am being challenged in my thinking, but for now, as I have a lot to try to to get done today, I am going to give you all a quick update and run down of the last couple of days here.

Tuesday afternoon, we arrived in San Pablo and unloaded most of my things (with the exception of my dog) and did some initial cleaning and arranging.

    

Some men were still doing the work needed to add a pila (washing station for dishes and clothes), so we really could not stay the night. So we headed to San Pedro where we spent the night in a hotel. The next morning, we got breakfast and then headed right back to San Pablo where we spend a few hours doing more cleaning and unloading of boxes and my dad and Don did some little projects such as fixing light fixtures, changing light bulbs, helping to move the pila into place (that was a task) and cleaning a mini-chandelier. You would think that final task would have been fairly simply but…well, you should just ask them about that.

 Working hard or hardly working?
 
  
 

At about 1:00pm, my dad and Don headed back to San Antonio Aguas Calientes, but my sisters stayed here with me. (They will be returning by bus on Monday.) We looked at each other with funny expressions and looked at our small supply of food that we brought to get us started. We decided a box of macaroni and hotdogs would be our best option for our short amount of time. Half way through it dawned on us that we had no butter and it was too late to go tienda hopping to look for some, so we went without. The three of us sat around a tiny little table in my cute little kitchen eating our simple little unhealthy North American meals made over a cute little stove. (Are you catching onto the theme?)



When we finished up, we had to leave all of our dirty dishes sitting on the table because the pila was still being worked on. We spend a bit of time discussing goals for the day, foods and items still needed, and plans for house to accomplish everything. So we straightened up, grabbed Champ, and headed out on a walk. We decided to go visit our friends, Pastor Efraín and Bety and their family, who had just returned from a few day trip in which their daughter gave birth to her first son. We met their handsome little grandson and caught up with the family. They were then so kind as to send their friend and house worker with us to help us buy some needed veggies, foods, and supplies for dinner and breakfast this morning. (They did this so that we would get the correct prices instead of paying “skin tax” as some friends of our like to call it.) So María helped us purchase what we needed. We headed back to the house with our rice, beans, tomatoes, peppers, onions, potatoes, oil, and eggs, getting funny looks from neighbors who are all gawking at the whites and the German Shepherd. We continued along with friendly smiles and greetings, trying to act as normal as possible, and stopping to talk to any children or women who seemed eager to do so. (A group of children kept calling Champ from their doorway, but when I would move toward them to lead Champ to them, they would scurry into the house with screams a giggles.)

We arrived back and the house less than an hour after leaving, and we did some more touching up around the house, and general preparation for dinner. Making dinner was a little more time consuming and difficult than we expected as we are still learning to use new cooking tools and moving around my disorganized kitchen, but with team work, we are able to pull off a really good stir-fry meal over rice! (The rice was not as good as we had hoped, but we will learn with time.) We sat and talked at the table next to the big open window facing the street just yards away as the sun disappeared behind the mountains and neighbors moved too and fro, talking, laughing, and going about their day. Champ wandered in and out of our open front door, walking out to peek out the gate at all those passing by. (He has been sort of depressed these couple of days as he tries to figure out what is going on.)

  
  
By the end of dinner, Mitchel let us know that the pila was finished and the garage (aka: future classroom) cleaned up. So Taryn washed all of our dishes, we checked out the garage, pila, and roof and then…we set up my little Christmas tree!! I know it’s early. But I am going to go home for a few days for Thanksgiving and the Fulp family “Christmas Tree Day”, and I didn’t want to come back to a lonely, Christmas tree-less house at the end of that. Not to mention, this move is just a shock overall, so I needed something happy and fun to add to the mix.

   

By the time we finished figuring out all the issues with my cheap lights and stringing strings onto my cheap bulbs, it was quite late and we were quite tired. We found a way to fit the light therapy mattresses that we brought onto the floor of my bedroom for my sisters to sleep on. Then we fought off some fearsome attacking spiders (aka: I used a fly-swatter to smack two medium-sized spiders that surprised us on the wall), got ready, and went to sleep.

This morning we woke up a little later than we should of (8:00), showered, made some scrambled eggs and peanut butter toast, warmed up some refried beans, and made a pot of coffee. We then tackled the simple task of tying some rope up on the roof for a clothes line and I washed the dishes and two towels (made filthy yesterday) in the pila. Turns out I am quite the weakling. I forgot how exhausting it is to wash large items in a pila! But the towels are now on the room, the house fairly in order, and we have plans to eat a very simple lunch, go on a walk around town, visit a couple of friends, buy a few more items for cooking and house work, make soup for dinner, and watch a movie on our computer once it is dark.

 

I, personally, already feel myself wanting to shut down and hide out. That is why we are leaving my front door open, taking intentional walks, and talking to anyone that we get the chance to talk to. I have messed this up before, and it always hurts more than it helps. God has brought me here, so He will carry me through whatever I may face. He will be with me every step of the way. So I am setting goals and establishing requirements for myself so that I don’t give into my introvert-like tendencies. But for those of you who have relationship with God, please pray for me? Pray that God flows into me and then overflows to others, so that it is not me but Him that they are seeing. These are my neighbors and future friends around me, but this has to do with that which is so much more than me. So pray that I keep my eyes and ears open to what God is doing and that I lean on His strength to join Him!

Thank you for those who have been praying for me and encouraging me in a variety of ways. Thank you to those of you who helped support me financially as I get started. Each of you have helped me in ways that you cannot even know! I will do my best to keep you all updated (although not in such a detailed manner as this…that would get frighteningly boring. Wait—did I forget to mention my bathroom breaks??) In the meantime, keeping serving God where you are at so that we can encourage one another forward! I am certainly in need of accountability, and I am certain that many of you are, as well, so maybe we can do that for one another?

Only Fools Walk Drunk Guys Home

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself standing quietly on the small second level balcony of our house which sits right along the street out front. You see, my family and I decided to play hide-and-seek (one of the only games we could think of to play with everyone in our home, no matter age, language, cognitive ability, or level of mobility). We had a blast. But while I was standing there, I had an experience that has been bothering me for a couple of weeks. Not as much because of what happened as it was because of the way that it challenged my thinking. But we will get to that in a minute.

As I stood there, I heard a shuffling sound coming from up the street. I leaned forward and looked toward town, and I saw a teenage boy with his head hanging low staggering down the street in my direction. He swayed in one direction and then the other as he took inconsistent steps, dragging his feet over the dirt-coated road. Now, seeing an inebriated fellow stumbling down these streets is not unusual here. His age is actually what most struck me. This boy looked to be seventeen or eighteen years old. He also looked like he could have been my neighbor from very nearby. These two things caused this to hit me a little harder than usual. Why does this kid feel the need to drink? And who is waiting for him at home? And what if he passes out or hurts himself before he makes it home like so many men do.

And then it didn't matter whether or not he was the neighbor that I knew. (It wasn't, by the way.) Whether I knew him or not, he was someone's son. Someone's brother. Someone as special to God and as valued by God as I am. And someone who likely didn't know that. And I hurt for him.

I watched him continue to stagger back and forth and lean heavily against the wall of the tienda caddy-corner from our house. He spoke slurred, indiscernible words to himself and then continued on his way, veering left up a street right before our house and disappearing from sight. I could hear his shoes dragging through the dirt and grinding against the concrete of the road as he drew a little further away, and then the noise stopped. I suddenly had to know if he was okay. My little brother, Jonathan, had just found me on the balcony (remember, I was supposed to be engaged in a game of hide-and-seek) so I was free to go check on this kid as my family continued the game. I walked quickly down the steps to our courtyard and then slipped out the door of our gate, leaving it slightly cracked for an easy, quiet return to the house, and I slipped up the road a few yards until I could see down that side street.

When I had been watching from the upstairs balcony, I had wanted to run down and out the gate and grab this kid's arm to steady him and walk him to wherever his home might be. He was so young. And he just kept nearly hitting his head on the wall each time he steered toward it for support. But I had quickly ruled that out because of course it was absurd. Me, a white girl, walking a drunk Guatemalan boy past all of our mutual neighbors and to his door step. How absurd! No, I wouldn't be so foolish. But I had to make sure that this guy was okay.

So now I watched as he leaned even heavier against a door further down the street. His door? I couldn't know. His head hung too low, and I couldn't read his movements at all. Nothing today will give away his normal behavior or appearance. But even as he stumbled back by some unseen force, he overcompensated and swung again toward that door in front of him. His weak efforts seemed to be aiming to stay near to that entrance. It must have been his place of refuge. At least for now. After swaying back and forth as if weakly riding a wave, he leaned down, hands outstretched to find rest on the ground. But his balance was now gone and muscles uncontrolled, and gravity won. Within a few inches of the ground, his head suddenly lurched forward and met the concrete with a thud. He immediately went limp and sprawled to the ground, now unmoving.

My stomach flipped at the sound of that thud and my heart leapt to my throat. I thought I might get sick right there. But I turned quickly for the house to find...my dad? ...Maybe my brother? I found Jeremiah first, in the kitchen, and I quietly updated him (little ears nearby). He offered to accompany me and we headed for the gate again, discussing what we could possibly do when we got there. But only seconds later, as we peered up the side street, we saw that two men had come out of that house and were now hulling the kid from under his arms back into that house. He was being tended to (hopefully), so we turned and headed back. Back to our door. Back into the house. Back to our family game of hide-and-seek which was coming to a close.

I was relieved that there is nothing more I could do, and I spent the following minutes reflecting on all that had happened. I thought about how I wished I could have rushed to that kid and grabbed his arm and walked him home. Spoke gently the words of God's love for him and the hope that could be his own even to his muddled mind in hopes that he would somehow recall them later, once his mind was clear. Knocked on the door that he claimed as his own. Handed him over to whoever opened that door from the other side. Showed love to the family by simply handing him over with only concern and no judgement. But that hadn't been an option.

First of all, I am a young white girl in a town full of men who drink more than their fill and are found staggering in the direction of home on holidays or game days or days that just seem like a day to escape the pressures of life. I would look absolutely foolish and culturally unaware to all of the neighbors if I were to walk a drunk boy home. It's expected that men will get drunk and it is expected that they will stumble home. And if they pass out along the street, it's expected that they'll find their way home once they wake up hours (sometimes many hours) later... unless, of course, their family has too much shame to leave them there or enough grace to hull him into a tuk-tuk and head home before he wakes up. These are the natural consequences of foolish decisions. It's just how it works. And what about the image that it would put on myself and my family if it were to be rumored that I had been out with a young drunk boy, walking our very streets? That certainly wouldn't have brought glory to God or brought credibility to our ministry!

So of course I had done the right thing by staying back and just watching from a distance to make sure he got home okay.

Or had I?

I started thinking of that question that has been emphasized over and over again. You know...WWJD. What Would Jesus Do? But frankly, I couldn't figure it out. Jesus was a guy, not a girl. Guys can pull these types of things off better than girls can. And, anyway, He never told me what to do about a drunk kid in the street. But then I started to think through what Jesus did do.

In Matthew 9:9-13 He sat down and ate with tax collectors and sinners in the very house of a tax collector, who was hated by the people. (Both within the church and out)
In John 8:1-11 He stood up for and pardoned the adulterous woman caught in sin.
In Mark 1:40-42 He touched an unclean man who was considered an outcast to society.
In Mark 5:24-34 He blessed a unclean woman for touching the hem of his robe in faith even though she did so without his permission.

All I see from reading the gospels is Jesus reaching. Loving. Touching. Speaking truth. And not to the lovable, accepted, and valued members of society. To the outcasts. To the unclean. To the sinners. To the despised.

And, more importantly, never once do I see Him refrain from doing any of this because it fell outside of cultural standards or because it would make Him and His ministry look bad to those in the church or those judging from a distance. Because frankly, His concern was for those in front of Him. ("It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick." Matthew 9:12)

So back to that boy in the street. Back to me. Let me try the reasoning for my decision again. ...It is foolish in this culture... And, what was the other? Oh, yeah....it would look bad to my other neighbors...
Alright, and what excuses did I just say never stopped Jesus from acting? Oh, right! It was those two.
And what did I say He always kept doing? Reaching, loving, touching, and speaking truth...to the outcasts, the unclean, the sinners, and the despised.

Do I need to spell out the conclusion?

So, is it our responsibility to walk every drunk man home? Maybe not. (I said 'maybe'.) Are we to break every cultural boundary and ignore every safety precaution? No. But what I am saying, and what I believe IS Biblical, is that those should not be the starting points nor the determining factors. Instead, our first response should be to reach, love, and speak truth. Because that is what Jesus did. Maybe the question we should be asking ourselves is "what did Jesus do?" and "what didn't Jesus do?". (Because frankly, sometimes we give ourselves too much freedom to explain away and prioritize based on our own ideas when we ask "What would Jesus do?"...and never mind the fact that it has become so cliche that it describes a bracelet more than a way of life.)

So what if we stayed in the Word?
What if we challenged our every decision by holding it up to the life of our Savior?
What if we actually made life changes when it didn't line up?
What is we lived so that our first response was to act and our only hesitation came when we heard God whisper "wait...not this time" or "not this way".
Would our lives look different than they do now? Absolutely.

But only now do I realize how extreme the difference would be. To this thought of reaching out to the boy in the street, my first and only answer to myself was, "How silly! Of course not." How many other opportunities do I skip over every day with that very response? In fact, it's so programmed into me that I don't even think those words. I don't even see the opportunities. The alternative response of doing something rarely even crosses my mind. "Oh, look! Another drunk guy I'm Guatemala. Surprise, surprise." Maybe the fact that I even have moments like this one (even thinking to walk alongside of this kid, even though I immediately ruled it out) shows progress in me. Sad, huh?

What are we missing? And what is the world missing as a result? We have done terribly at being a city on a hill and lamp in a stand. Maybe it's because we've forgotten whose standards we are supposed to be living by.

I don't know about you, but I need a reboot. Because human reasoning still makes a lot of sense to me. And I have a feeling it makes a lot of sense to just about all of you...if not all of you. Let's really evaluate things here. What did our Jesus look like and why don't we look like him?

And finally, we need to seriously consider what kind of advice we, Christ-followers, are giving one another. Because most of us, even with the best intentions, will offer a lot of human logic. In fact, I would imagine some of you are itching to write me right now and say, "Brittney, no! Good efforts and sweet heart, but you just can't walk a drunk guy home!" Honestly, I wouldn't blame because I keep wrapping around to these thoughts myself. But if we are going to carry this title of "Christian" or "Christ-follower", we have to ask ourselves: are we following Christ or are we following our own cultural and/or religious expectations?

Help me by never giving me quick or soft answers and human suggestions. And let me do the same for you. Let's drop our own ideas and expectations in order to see/hear His. Let's be the hands and feet of Jesus starting now.

It will be great to see how lives change as we start looking like fools. Be a "fool" with me?

Things Just Got a Little More Concrete

 

In January of 2013, I set foot for the first time in San Pablo La Laguna. My dad had been there just weeks before and had asked me to join them on his next trip. As I sat in one of the families’ homes on that first trip, I listened to a father, who was making about 25 quetzales (a little over $3) a day to provide for ten, say that all he wanted was for someone to help his teenage son learn. I sat there on that little plastic stool with an urgency in my heart at those words. I thought for a moment, “I could get up and move here right now!” But I quickly realized that I still had to finish my degree and there were many obstacles to overcome before something like this could happen. But from that day on, San Pablo never really left my mind and heart.

It is not that this is my favorite town in Guatemala. It is not that I love it so much that I just cannot stay away. It is simply the fact that God has put this little town on my heart, shown me that there is work to be done and children to be loved, and paved the way for me to move in that direction.

Which brings me to the present! The past twenty months have brought me through my final online courses, student teaching, graduation, and a lot of heart change; however, this was all still a sort of distant dream that was always a little bit out in the future. But things just got a little more concrete because beginning in October….I have a house!

Earlier this month, my dad took me to San Pablo and, with the help of some friends there, we were able to look at a few houses for rent. There were two that I considered a possibility but the one that I finally chose seems to be completely ideal for the work I am hoping to do. It’s bigger and nicer than I was counting on…and honestly bigger and nicer than I wanted…but I realized that I am praying that God will do big things in His big ways, so I should probably plan as if that is going to happen!

So now I have a house with a little kitchen/dining area at the entrance, a bedroom behind that, a little bathroom (that can be handicapped accessible), and a garage that can be turned into a classroom/play area for all kinds of work with kiddos. It also has a roof where I can hang my laundry, do work with kids who are a little more mobile, and spend quiet time with a pretty good view of part of the lake and the mountains surrounding. Really, it has everything I could have hoped for. And because of the size of the house, I will be able to easily store extra things for Hope for Home Ministries that are used in the work with the families in this area.

Forgive me for the photos below; these were taken in a rush (and some are screenshots from a video walk-through of the house that I am too busy and lazy to crop) for my decision making at the time, but they will help you to get the idea.

   
     

Now, even though things are more concrete, there are still many unknowns. I have access to the house in October, but we may have to make a couple of trips there to make all of the necessary changes before I move in (locks, security precautions, and finding the essential items for daily needs). Hopefully, that will go quickly, but really it depends on my dad’s schedule and everything else going on around here. I’m also trying to establish a more specific vision for what exactly I will be doing here in the beginning so that I can make that clear to those in the area and move forward with clear purpose. (I need to find out what all I can do without being an official school--at least for now--and the best way to go about it.) I also am going to be working very intentionally on language learning, as Tz’utujil is the language spoken by the majority of the people in the town. So I would appreciate your prayers for wisdom as I seek out answers and make decisions as well as wait on the Lord.

I would also appreciate prayers that tie into my last post—spiritual warfare. Praise God, I have a house and am on the way to my big move! But I am weak, foolish, cowardly, and timid on my own, and if I am not intentional about leaning on and trusting God for the victory, I will most certainly fail. And that would be absurd because..

          My God is big and my God is good.
                  There is a battle warring, and this is God’s work, not mine.
                            So the victory will be His and not mine.

There’s no room for me to make this about me.


Thank you to those who have been praying alongside of me! That is the absolute best way that you can support me, and I mean that in complete sincerity. I will continue to keep you all updated!

Declarations in the Heat of Battle

This is not how I wanted to come back to blogging. I was hoping to begin with some uplifting post that shows you all how well everything is going as I move toward San Pablo La Laguna and my work there. And it's not that things are not going well. Because in a lot of ways they are! God is already at work, paving the way and preparing my heart. But this post is not about that. At least, not in the way that you might expect. 

See, contrary to what many of us like to believe, being used by God is not always fun. And it is almost never easy. Please, do not get me wrong! In those moments when the fruit comes forth or the victories are achieved, the joy that fills far surpasses all that came before. And the fruit and the victories always come by His power alone--never ours. However, we cannot avoid the journey in between the calling and the victory. The journey that is usually made up of trials and hard work and waiting and time and pain.

But why are we taken by surprise when the difficult journey hits? Doesn't every story of victory begin with some sort of conflict? (How can there be a victory if there is nothing to be victorious over?) And don't the most powerful and far-reaching victories come from the most powerful of conflicts and the strongest opposition? (Otherwise, what defines a victory?) We see it in every movie, book, or anything with a plot line. And yet, in spite of this, many of us say 'yes' to following God, saying that we will do whatever it takes, but are shocked and broken and discouraged when the victory isn't in sight because we are smack dab in the middle of the journey.

Our problem lies in the fact that we don't recognize what following Jesus means. Maybe this has to do with some of the "health and wealth gospel" messages, but even putting that aside…I think even those of us who want nothing to do with the lies of that message still allow ourselves to cling to some extent of this idea even if only on a smaller scale. We are prepared for the victory, but often (no matter what we claim) not truly prepared for the journey. Because this life, while ultimately about the victory…is really the journey in between. And since this ultimate victory is going to be over Satan and his angels, this journey is actually a war.

Are we hearing that?... 

A war.

This has not been hidden from us. It's laid out for us in the written word, and instruction is given for how to approach it (Ephesians 6:10-20). And yet, we cover our ears and close our eyes and pretend that what we see in front of us with these naked human eyes is all there is. Or maybe we simply buy into the lies being whispered to us that tell us the same? Either way, we miss what has been clearly told to us, and so we are unprepared for the battle.

And what do those who are unprepared for battle do?

They lose.

They die.

I have known all of this for a long time. I have known about spiritual warfare and the ultimate victory that will come. My parents have taught us this as we have grown up in our home. I have heard pastors preach on this in sermons. I have read this truth in Scripture many times. And yet, a few nights ago, in spite of these truths that I know--in spite of other victories that I have been seeing in my life and in lives around me--I sat, in tears, facing just a bit of the ugliness of the journey. I sank to the floor (literally) and sobbed defeat as I thought through all that is to come in the days ahead.

The unknowns. The decisions. The loneliness. The responsibilities.

And I wanted to bail. I wanted to drop everything and just hunker down and stay in the comforts of my family's house and home and ministry. After all, I am passionate about what they are doing here, and help is needed, so it wouldn't be such a bad thing, right?

But not for a moment did God let me think that was possibly a reasonable option. It was like He just kept whispering, "Remember what I called you to? Remember that passion that I put inside of you? Remember how you said you were in, no matter what the cost, because it was more than worth it?" And I just wanted to shout, "I KNOW! I KNOW I SAID THAT! BUT NOW I WANT OUT!" But the truth is that as much as I sometimes want an 'out', I know that I could never be happy settling for less that what God is calling me to. Maybe I would learn to distract myself. Maybe I would learn to tuck a part of me away in a closet and lock the door…just grow numb and stop the feeling in some part of my heart. But I would never be happy. I'd never be full and overflowing with that joy that I am learning to know.

So I sat there and said to God through my sobs, "I won't quit. I will follow through", but even through the words, I felt defeated. And I had to know why. If I know the truth that this is a battle, but that my God holds the victory, why can I so quickly feel defeated just at the thought of what might be to come? So I started writing in my prayer journal--telling Him exactly what was on my heart--and the answer came pretty quickly. (It's hard to talk directly to God Almightly with the wrong mindset; He's got a way of gently nudging you until you are thinking and heading in the right direction--or smacking you upside the head if need be.)

I didn't hear any voice or see any miraculous sign that made me know what He was answering. It was simply that what I have known all along rose to the surface. But it was as if God lovingly said, "Hey, Brit?…Look at me, kiddo. You're buying into the enemy's very first and easiest tactic. You're buying into His lies. Once he has you sitting on the ground with doubts and fears clouding your view, you are of no more threat to him and his purposes. But those lies should have nothing on you. You were raised to know these truths (and by the way, I have them all written out for you for when you forget). You need to wipe those tears, stand back up, and pull out those truths that I have taught you."

Is it really that simple?
Yeah. It really is.
In fact, I applied it right away last night. I took every fear or doubt that I was having and applied the truths that I already know…and the lies had no ground to stand on. Now, keep in mind, the best of Satan's lies (and the only ones he really uses) are those that hold truth, but aren't the whole truth. That's why they are so easy to believe. And so hard to work past.

For example, the lies that were leaving me discouraged were the following:

You are weak.
You are an easy target.
You are foolish.
You are unqualified.
You don't know what you are doing.

The truths that I had to replace these with were the following:

I am weak...but He is strong!  

     (1 Cor. 1:25-31, Ps. 28:7, 2 Sam. 22:33, Ps. 73:26, Is. 40:31, Josh. 4:23-24, 2 Chron. 20:6, Ps. 77:13-15, Jer. 10:12-13, Rom. 4:20-21, 2 Cor. 4:7-8, ...)

I am an easy target...but God is my protector!

     (1 Cor. 10:13, Ps. 91, Rom. 8:35-39, Ps. 27, Jn. 10:11, ...)

I am foolish...but He is wise! 

     (1 Cor. 1:25-31, Is. 40:28, Deut. 32:4, James 1:5, ...)

I am unqualified...but He is more than qualified!

     (Rev. 1:8, Rev. 4:11, Jn. 1:1-3, Jn. 16:35, 1 Jn. 1:5, 1 Pet. 2:24, Is. 45:15, Heb. 1:3, 1 Tim. 3:16, Rom. 1:20, ...)

I don't know what I am doing...but God has it all figured out!

     (Jeremiah 29:11, Prov. 19:21, Rom. 8:28, Prov. 16:9, Jer. 1:5, Prov. 16:3-4, Prov. 139:16, Eph. 2:10, ...) 

Have you been there? Are you there now? (I would imagine that I am not the only one.) One of the best ways that we can prepare for battle, is to not only know these truths, but be ready to use them to refute the lies…the moment that the enemy speaks them! Maybe we can even learn to let the enemy be part of the truth speaking process. (I'm not joking!) We already said he is speaking the first part of truths, anyway, right? Let him continue speaking them, but shout the victorious part of the truth right after him!

Enemy: "You are weak"

Me: "YEAH, I am! But He is ALL-POWERFUL!

Enemy: "You are such an easy target!"

Me: "I'd be TOAST without that all-powerful God as my protector!"

Enemy: "You are foolish"

Me: "Boy, AM I! But wisdom belongs to Him!

Enemy: "You are unqualified"

Me: "Praise GOD, I am! He is oh-so-qualified, and this is a chance for Him to show it to the world!"

Enemy: "You don't know what you are doing."

Me: "MAN, am I lost! But God's got it mapped out, and I get to hang on for the ride! (Whew, that's some serious pressure off of me!)

This approach may sound silly. But I don't believe that it is. (Who knows? Maybe Satan will get tired of being a part of that truth-speaking process and back down. But be careful that he doesn't turn it around and get you thinking highly of yourself; that becomes just as disastrous as only hearing part of the truth.) I believe that declaring the whole truth is the first and most crucial part to 'fighting' this battle. If we are clinging to truth and only the truth, what can really stop us? This battle is ultimately in God's hands. He is going to win. With or without us fighting with Him. The difference is whether He wins the battle while we are sitting on our tushies (yep, I said 'tushies') on the far side of the battlefield field with tears streaking our face or whether He achieves it with us running along, full speed, right beside Him with our weapons raised and shouting victoriously!

I don't know about you, but I'd like to be a part of fighting this battle that He is carrying anyway. I simply couldn't be happy settling for less. So I'd appreciate your prayers and accountability as I learn to shout God's truths and move forward with confidence. Because sometimes I am going to forget. And sometimes I am going to need you to remind me. But I also encourage you, my Christ-following friends, to join me in doing the same. Because we are all fighting the exact same battle, and there is no room for sulking on the battlefield. Not if we are on the winning team.

Quick disclaimer: Following this approach will not mean that we never experience the attacks of the enemy. These lies are just one of his schemes. I actually suspect that once we stop sitting and crying and start declaring truth, the enemy will have all the more reason to stop us (because we will finally be of a real threat). Remember…we are still in the heat of battle! But we are fighting with the power of the Lord. So if we are recognizing and declaring these truths, we will be accepting all that He offers and we will be equipped to face that which is to come. Don't expect it to be easy. Expect it to be hard. But fight and live for the victory that you already know is to come. He paved the way so we could do so.

Ready?…...Set…...Go!