Only Fools Walk Drunk Guys Home

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself standing quietly on the small second level balcony of our house which sits right along the street out front. You see, my family and I decided to play hide-and-seek (one of the only games we could think of to play with everyone in our home, no matter age, language, cognitive ability, or level of mobility). We had a blast. But while I was standing there, I had an experience that has been bothering me for a couple of weeks. Not as much because of what happened as it was because of the way that it challenged my thinking. But we will get to that in a minute.

As I stood there, I heard a shuffling sound coming from up the street. I leaned forward and looked toward town, and I saw a teenage boy with his head hanging low staggering down the street in my direction. He swayed in one direction and then the other as he took inconsistent steps, dragging his feet over the dirt-coated road. Now, seeing an inebriated fellow stumbling down these streets is not unusual here. His age is actually what most struck me. This boy looked to be seventeen or eighteen years old. He also looked like he could have been my neighbor from very nearby. These two things caused this to hit me a little harder than usual. Why does this kid feel the need to drink? And who is waiting for him at home? And what if he passes out or hurts himself before he makes it home like so many men do.

And then it didn't matter whether or not he was the neighbor that I knew. (It wasn't, by the way.) Whether I knew him or not, he was someone's son. Someone's brother. Someone as special to God and as valued by God as I am. And someone who likely didn't know that. And I hurt for him.

I watched him continue to stagger back and forth and lean heavily against the wall of the tienda caddy-corner from our house. He spoke slurred, indiscernible words to himself and then continued on his way, veering left up a street right before our house and disappearing from sight. I could hear his shoes dragging through the dirt and grinding against the concrete of the road as he drew a little further away, and then the noise stopped. I suddenly had to know if he was okay. My little brother, Jonathan, had just found me on the balcony (remember, I was supposed to be engaged in a game of hide-and-seek) so I was free to go check on this kid as my family continued the game. I walked quickly down the steps to our courtyard and then slipped out the door of our gate, leaving it slightly cracked for an easy, quiet return to the house, and I slipped up the road a few yards until I could see down that side street.

When I had been watching from the upstairs balcony, I had wanted to run down and out the gate and grab this kid's arm to steady him and walk him to wherever his home might be. He was so young. And he just kept nearly hitting his head on the wall each time he steered toward it for support. But I had quickly ruled that out because of course it was absurd. Me, a white girl, walking a drunk Guatemalan boy past all of our mutual neighbors and to his door step. How absurd! No, I wouldn't be so foolish. But I had to make sure that this guy was okay.

So now I watched as he leaned even heavier against a door further down the street. His door? I couldn't know. His head hung too low, and I couldn't read his movements at all. Nothing today will give away his normal behavior or appearance. But even as he stumbled back by some unseen force, he overcompensated and swung again toward that door in front of him. His weak efforts seemed to be aiming to stay near to that entrance. It must have been his place of refuge. At least for now. After swaying back and forth as if weakly riding a wave, he leaned down, hands outstretched to find rest on the ground. But his balance was now gone and muscles uncontrolled, and gravity won. Within a few inches of the ground, his head suddenly lurched forward and met the concrete with a thud. He immediately went limp and sprawled to the ground, now unmoving.

My stomach flipped at the sound of that thud and my heart leapt to my throat. I thought I might get sick right there. But I turned quickly for the house to find...my dad? ...Maybe my brother? I found Jeremiah first, in the kitchen, and I quietly updated him (little ears nearby). He offered to accompany me and we headed for the gate again, discussing what we could possibly do when we got there. But only seconds later, as we peered up the side street, we saw that two men had come out of that house and were now hulling the kid from under his arms back into that house. He was being tended to (hopefully), so we turned and headed back. Back to our door. Back into the house. Back to our family game of hide-and-seek which was coming to a close.

I was relieved that there is nothing more I could do, and I spent the following minutes reflecting on all that had happened. I thought about how I wished I could have rushed to that kid and grabbed his arm and walked him home. Spoke gently the words of God's love for him and the hope that could be his own even to his muddled mind in hopes that he would somehow recall them later, once his mind was clear. Knocked on the door that he claimed as his own. Handed him over to whoever opened that door from the other side. Showed love to the family by simply handing him over with only concern and no judgement. But that hadn't been an option.

First of all, I am a young white girl in a town full of men who drink more than their fill and are found staggering in the direction of home on holidays or game days or days that just seem like a day to escape the pressures of life. I would look absolutely foolish and culturally unaware to all of the neighbors if I were to walk a drunk boy home. It's expected that men will get drunk and it is expected that they will stumble home. And if they pass out along the street, it's expected that they'll find their way home once they wake up hours (sometimes many hours) later... unless, of course, their family has too much shame to leave them there or enough grace to hull him into a tuk-tuk and head home before he wakes up. These are the natural consequences of foolish decisions. It's just how it works. And what about the image that it would put on myself and my family if it were to be rumored that I had been out with a young drunk boy, walking our very streets? That certainly wouldn't have brought glory to God or brought credibility to our ministry!

So of course I had done the right thing by staying back and just watching from a distance to make sure he got home okay.

Or had I?

I started thinking of that question that has been emphasized over and over again. You know...WWJD. What Would Jesus Do? But frankly, I couldn't figure it out. Jesus was a guy, not a girl. Guys can pull these types of things off better than girls can. And, anyway, He never told me what to do about a drunk kid in the street. But then I started to think through what Jesus did do.

In Matthew 9:9-13 He sat down and ate with tax collectors and sinners in the very house of a tax collector, who was hated by the people. (Both within the church and out)
In John 8:1-11 He stood up for and pardoned the adulterous woman caught in sin.
In Mark 1:40-42 He touched an unclean man who was considered an outcast to society.
In Mark 5:24-34 He blessed a unclean woman for touching the hem of his robe in faith even though she did so without his permission.

All I see from reading the gospels is Jesus reaching. Loving. Touching. Speaking truth. And not to the lovable, accepted, and valued members of society. To the outcasts. To the unclean. To the sinners. To the despised.

And, more importantly, never once do I see Him refrain from doing any of this because it fell outside of cultural standards or because it would make Him and His ministry look bad to those in the church or those judging from a distance. Because frankly, His concern was for those in front of Him. ("It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick." Matthew 9:12)

So back to that boy in the street. Back to me. Let me try the reasoning for my decision again. ...It is foolish in this culture... And, what was the other? Oh, yeah....it would look bad to my other neighbors...
Alright, and what excuses did I just say never stopped Jesus from acting? Oh, right! It was those two.
And what did I say He always kept doing? Reaching, loving, touching, and speaking truth...to the outcasts, the unclean, the sinners, and the despised.

Do I need to spell out the conclusion?

So, is it our responsibility to walk every drunk man home? Maybe not. (I said 'maybe'.) Are we to break every cultural boundary and ignore every safety precaution? No. But what I am saying, and what I believe IS Biblical, is that those should not be the starting points nor the determining factors. Instead, our first response should be to reach, love, and speak truth. Because that is what Jesus did. Maybe the question we should be asking ourselves is "what did Jesus do?" and "what didn't Jesus do?". (Because frankly, sometimes we give ourselves too much freedom to explain away and prioritize based on our own ideas when we ask "What would Jesus do?"...and never mind the fact that it has become so cliche that it describes a bracelet more than a way of life.)

So what if we stayed in the Word?
What if we challenged our every decision by holding it up to the life of our Savior?
What if we actually made life changes when it didn't line up?
What is we lived so that our first response was to act and our only hesitation came when we heard God whisper "wait...not this time" or "not this way".
Would our lives look different than they do now? Absolutely.

But only now do I realize how extreme the difference would be. To this thought of reaching out to the boy in the street, my first and only answer to myself was, "How silly! Of course not." How many other opportunities do I skip over every day with that very response? In fact, it's so programmed into me that I don't even think those words. I don't even see the opportunities. The alternative response of doing something rarely even crosses my mind. "Oh, look! Another drunk guy I'm Guatemala. Surprise, surprise." Maybe the fact that I even have moments like this one (even thinking to walk alongside of this kid, even though I immediately ruled it out) shows progress in me. Sad, huh?

What are we missing? And what is the world missing as a result? We have done terribly at being a city on a hill and lamp in a stand. Maybe it's because we've forgotten whose standards we are supposed to be living by.

I don't know about you, but I need a reboot. Because human reasoning still makes a lot of sense to me. And I have a feeling it makes a lot of sense to just about all of you...if not all of you. Let's really evaluate things here. What did our Jesus look like and why don't we look like him?

And finally, we need to seriously consider what kind of advice we, Christ-followers, are giving one another. Because most of us, even with the best intentions, will offer a lot of human logic. In fact, I would imagine some of you are itching to write me right now and say, "Brittney, no! Good efforts and sweet heart, but you just can't walk a drunk guy home!" Honestly, I wouldn't blame because I keep wrapping around to these thoughts myself. But if we are going to carry this title of "Christian" or "Christ-follower", we have to ask ourselves: are we following Christ or are we following our own cultural and/or religious expectations?

Help me by never giving me quick or soft answers and human suggestions. And let me do the same for you. Let's drop our own ideas and expectations in order to see/hear His. Let's be the hands and feet of Jesus starting now.

It will be great to see how lives change as we start looking like fools. Be a "fool" with me?

Things Just Got a Little More Concrete

 

In January of 2013, I set foot for the first time in San Pablo La Laguna. My dad had been there just weeks before and had asked me to join them on his next trip. As I sat in one of the families’ homes on that first trip, I listened to a father, who was making about 25 quetzales (a little over $3) a day to provide for ten, say that all he wanted was for someone to help his teenage son learn. I sat there on that little plastic stool with an urgency in my heart at those words. I thought for a moment, “I could get up and move here right now!” But I quickly realized that I still had to finish my degree and there were many obstacles to overcome before something like this could happen. But from that day on, San Pablo never really left my mind and heart.

It is not that this is my favorite town in Guatemala. It is not that I love it so much that I just cannot stay away. It is simply the fact that God has put this little town on my heart, shown me that there is work to be done and children to be loved, and paved the way for me to move in that direction.

Which brings me to the present! The past twenty months have brought me through my final online courses, student teaching, graduation, and a lot of heart change; however, this was all still a sort of distant dream that was always a little bit out in the future. But things just got a little more concrete because beginning in October….I have a house!

Earlier this month, my dad took me to San Pablo and, with the help of some friends there, we were able to look at a few houses for rent. There were two that I considered a possibility but the one that I finally chose seems to be completely ideal for the work I am hoping to do. It’s bigger and nicer than I was counting on…and honestly bigger and nicer than I wanted…but I realized that I am praying that God will do big things in His big ways, so I should probably plan as if that is going to happen!

So now I have a house with a little kitchen/dining area at the entrance, a bedroom behind that, a little bathroom (that can be handicapped accessible), and a garage that can be turned into a classroom/play area for all kinds of work with kiddos. It also has a roof where I can hang my laundry, do work with kids who are a little more mobile, and spend quiet time with a pretty good view of part of the lake and the mountains surrounding. Really, it has everything I could have hoped for. And because of the size of the house, I will be able to easily store extra things for Hope for Home Ministries that are used in the work with the families in this area.

Forgive me for the photos below; these were taken in a rush (and some are screenshots from a video walk-through of the house that I am too busy and lazy to crop) for my decision making at the time, but they will help you to get the idea.

   
     

Now, even though things are more concrete, there are still many unknowns. I have access to the house in October, but we may have to make a couple of trips there to make all of the necessary changes before I move in (locks, security precautions, and finding the essential items for daily needs). Hopefully, that will go quickly, but really it depends on my dad’s schedule and everything else going on around here. I’m also trying to establish a more specific vision for what exactly I will be doing here in the beginning so that I can make that clear to those in the area and move forward with clear purpose. (I need to find out what all I can do without being an official school--at least for now--and the best way to go about it.) I also am going to be working very intentionally on language learning, as Tz’utujil is the language spoken by the majority of the people in the town. So I would appreciate your prayers for wisdom as I seek out answers and make decisions as well as wait on the Lord.

I would also appreciate prayers that tie into my last post—spiritual warfare. Praise God, I have a house and am on the way to my big move! But I am weak, foolish, cowardly, and timid on my own, and if I am not intentional about leaning on and trusting God for the victory, I will most certainly fail. And that would be absurd because..

          My God is big and my God is good.
                  There is a battle warring, and this is God’s work, not mine.
                            So the victory will be His and not mine.

There’s no room for me to make this about me.


Thank you to those who have been praying alongside of me! That is the absolute best way that you can support me, and I mean that in complete sincerity. I will continue to keep you all updated!

Declarations in the Heat of Battle

This is not how I wanted to come back to blogging. I was hoping to begin with some uplifting post that shows you all how well everything is going as I move toward San Pablo La Laguna and my work there. And it's not that things are not going well. Because in a lot of ways they are! God is already at work, paving the way and preparing my heart. But this post is not about that. At least, not in the way that you might expect. 

See, contrary to what many of us like to believe, being used by God is not always fun. And it is almost never easy. Please, do not get me wrong! In those moments when the fruit comes forth or the victories are achieved, the joy that fills far surpasses all that came before. And the fruit and the victories always come by His power alone--never ours. However, we cannot avoid the journey in between the calling and the victory. The journey that is usually made up of trials and hard work and waiting and time and pain.

But why are we taken by surprise when the difficult journey hits? Doesn't every story of victory begin with some sort of conflict? (How can there be a victory if there is nothing to be victorious over?) And don't the most powerful and far-reaching victories come from the most powerful of conflicts and the strongest opposition? (Otherwise, what defines a victory?) We see it in every movie, book, or anything with a plot line. And yet, in spite of this, many of us say 'yes' to following God, saying that we will do whatever it takes, but are shocked and broken and discouraged when the victory isn't in sight because we are smack dab in the middle of the journey.

Our problem lies in the fact that we don't recognize what following Jesus means. Maybe this has to do with some of the "health and wealth gospel" messages, but even putting that aside…I think even those of us who want nothing to do with the lies of that message still allow ourselves to cling to some extent of this idea even if only on a smaller scale. We are prepared for the victory, but often (no matter what we claim) not truly prepared for the journey. Because this life, while ultimately about the victory…is really the journey in between. And since this ultimate victory is going to be over Satan and his angels, this journey is actually a war.

Are we hearing that?... 

A war.

This has not been hidden from us. It's laid out for us in the written word, and instruction is given for how to approach it (Ephesians 6:10-20). And yet, we cover our ears and close our eyes and pretend that what we see in front of us with these naked human eyes is all there is. Or maybe we simply buy into the lies being whispered to us that tell us the same? Either way, we miss what has been clearly told to us, and so we are unprepared for the battle.

And what do those who are unprepared for battle do?

They lose.

They die.

I have known all of this for a long time. I have known about spiritual warfare and the ultimate victory that will come. My parents have taught us this as we have grown up in our home. I have heard pastors preach on this in sermons. I have read this truth in Scripture many times. And yet, a few nights ago, in spite of these truths that I know--in spite of other victories that I have been seeing in my life and in lives around me--I sat, in tears, facing just a bit of the ugliness of the journey. I sank to the floor (literally) and sobbed defeat as I thought through all that is to come in the days ahead.

The unknowns. The decisions. The loneliness. The responsibilities.

And I wanted to bail. I wanted to drop everything and just hunker down and stay in the comforts of my family's house and home and ministry. After all, I am passionate about what they are doing here, and help is needed, so it wouldn't be such a bad thing, right?

But not for a moment did God let me think that was possibly a reasonable option. It was like He just kept whispering, "Remember what I called you to? Remember that passion that I put inside of you? Remember how you said you were in, no matter what the cost, because it was more than worth it?" And I just wanted to shout, "I KNOW! I KNOW I SAID THAT! BUT NOW I WANT OUT!" But the truth is that as much as I sometimes want an 'out', I know that I could never be happy settling for less that what God is calling me to. Maybe I would learn to distract myself. Maybe I would learn to tuck a part of me away in a closet and lock the door…just grow numb and stop the feeling in some part of my heart. But I would never be happy. I'd never be full and overflowing with that joy that I am learning to know.

So I sat there and said to God through my sobs, "I won't quit. I will follow through", but even through the words, I felt defeated. And I had to know why. If I know the truth that this is a battle, but that my God holds the victory, why can I so quickly feel defeated just at the thought of what might be to come? So I started writing in my prayer journal--telling Him exactly what was on my heart--and the answer came pretty quickly. (It's hard to talk directly to God Almightly with the wrong mindset; He's got a way of gently nudging you until you are thinking and heading in the right direction--or smacking you upside the head if need be.)

I didn't hear any voice or see any miraculous sign that made me know what He was answering. It was simply that what I have known all along rose to the surface. But it was as if God lovingly said, "Hey, Brit?…Look at me, kiddo. You're buying into the enemy's very first and easiest tactic. You're buying into His lies. Once he has you sitting on the ground with doubts and fears clouding your view, you are of no more threat to him and his purposes. But those lies should have nothing on you. You were raised to know these truths (and by the way, I have them all written out for you for when you forget). You need to wipe those tears, stand back up, and pull out those truths that I have taught you."

Is it really that simple?
Yeah. It really is.
In fact, I applied it right away last night. I took every fear or doubt that I was having and applied the truths that I already know…and the lies had no ground to stand on. Now, keep in mind, the best of Satan's lies (and the only ones he really uses) are those that hold truth, but aren't the whole truth. That's why they are so easy to believe. And so hard to work past.

For example, the lies that were leaving me discouraged were the following:

You are weak.
You are an easy target.
You are foolish.
You are unqualified.
You don't know what you are doing.

The truths that I had to replace these with were the following:

I am weak...but He is strong!  

     (1 Cor. 1:25-31, Ps. 28:7, 2 Sam. 22:33, Ps. 73:26, Is. 40:31, Josh. 4:23-24, 2 Chron. 20:6, Ps. 77:13-15, Jer. 10:12-13, Rom. 4:20-21, 2 Cor. 4:7-8, ...)

I am an easy target...but God is my protector!

     (1 Cor. 10:13, Ps. 91, Rom. 8:35-39, Ps. 27, Jn. 10:11, ...)

I am foolish...but He is wise! 

     (1 Cor. 1:25-31, Is. 40:28, Deut. 32:4, James 1:5, ...)

I am unqualified...but He is more than qualified!

     (Rev. 1:8, Rev. 4:11, Jn. 1:1-3, Jn. 16:35, 1 Jn. 1:5, 1 Pet. 2:24, Is. 45:15, Heb. 1:3, 1 Tim. 3:16, Rom. 1:20, ...)

I don't know what I am doing...but God has it all figured out!

     (Jeremiah 29:11, Prov. 19:21, Rom. 8:28, Prov. 16:9, Jer. 1:5, Prov. 16:3-4, Prov. 139:16, Eph. 2:10, ...) 

Have you been there? Are you there now? (I would imagine that I am not the only one.) One of the best ways that we can prepare for battle, is to not only know these truths, but be ready to use them to refute the lies…the moment that the enemy speaks them! Maybe we can even learn to let the enemy be part of the truth speaking process. (I'm not joking!) We already said he is speaking the first part of truths, anyway, right? Let him continue speaking them, but shout the victorious part of the truth right after him!

Enemy: "You are weak"

Me: "YEAH, I am! But He is ALL-POWERFUL!

Enemy: "You are such an easy target!"

Me: "I'd be TOAST without that all-powerful God as my protector!"

Enemy: "You are foolish"

Me: "Boy, AM I! But wisdom belongs to Him!

Enemy: "You are unqualified"

Me: "Praise GOD, I am! He is oh-so-qualified, and this is a chance for Him to show it to the world!"

Enemy: "You don't know what you are doing."

Me: "MAN, am I lost! But God's got it mapped out, and I get to hang on for the ride! (Whew, that's some serious pressure off of me!)

This approach may sound silly. But I don't believe that it is. (Who knows? Maybe Satan will get tired of being a part of that truth-speaking process and back down. But be careful that he doesn't turn it around and get you thinking highly of yourself; that becomes just as disastrous as only hearing part of the truth.) I believe that declaring the whole truth is the first and most crucial part to 'fighting' this battle. If we are clinging to truth and only the truth, what can really stop us? This battle is ultimately in God's hands. He is going to win. With or without us fighting with Him. The difference is whether He wins the battle while we are sitting on our tushies (yep, I said 'tushies') on the far side of the battlefield field with tears streaking our face or whether He achieves it with us running along, full speed, right beside Him with our weapons raised and shouting victoriously!

I don't know about you, but I'd like to be a part of fighting this battle that He is carrying anyway. I simply couldn't be happy settling for less. So I'd appreciate your prayers and accountability as I learn to shout God's truths and move forward with confidence. Because sometimes I am going to forget. And sometimes I am going to need you to remind me. But I also encourage you, my Christ-following friends, to join me in doing the same. Because we are all fighting the exact same battle, and there is no room for sulking on the battlefield. Not if we are on the winning team.

Quick disclaimer: Following this approach will not mean that we never experience the attacks of the enemy. These lies are just one of his schemes. I actually suspect that once we stop sitting and crying and start declaring truth, the enemy will have all the more reason to stop us (because we will finally be of a real threat). Remember…we are still in the heat of battle! But we are fighting with the power of the Lord. So if we are recognizing and declaring these truths, we will be accepting all that He offers and we will be equipped to face that which is to come. Don't expect it to be easy. Expect it to be hard. But fight and live for the victory that you already know is to come. He paved the way so we could do so.

Ready?…...Set…...Go!

Esperanza

(Begun on September 13)

My Dear Little Sister,

As I lay here on the couch this evening (the rest of the house asleep) cradling your precious little body all bundled in blankets against mine—as I listen to your labored breathing and feel the movement of your chest with each rise and fall, my mind wanders over the events this day, and it is hard to contain my emotions. But please let me explain to you why, precious one.

You must know how loved you are. Yes, by us, your new family. But even more so by your Creator. Let me tell you about this day. When we left San Pedro La Laguna at 7:30 this morning to go get you in Quiché, we thought we knew how our day’s plans would pan out. Unbeknownst to us, there were multiple obstacles ahead. But your Creator is also your Provider and Protector; He knew what was to come and He made a way. First, there was a sinkhole that cut off our main route, but God provided us with an alternative route. Then an Independence Day parade left us stuck on a street (on our alternative route), but God provided us with a police escort through bumpy dirt roads to PGN. After much longer than it “should have been”, we arrived at the hospital. Anxious to meet you, we stood in the waiting area as the woman at the front desk tried to contact the correct person for the process of signing you over to your new family. We were informed that the three people that had authority to sign her over had all left the hospital and the time of their return was not known. We were at our wit’s end, but your Father was in control, and within the hour, arrangements were made for the correct staff to be there.

Suddenly, it was time. We were lead past all the others in the waiting room, down a hall, and into a small divided section of the hospital. As we walked, the nurses pointed to a room on the right and said, “This is the room that she was in, but we had to move her over here.” One woman opened a door up ahead and to the left. We stood in the hall and looked in the small room as she opened a door within the room and to our dismay, pulled your small rolling bed from a storage closet. I was horrified, but at the moment, my greatest desire was just to see your beautiful face. I wanted to meet you. The nurse pulled back your blanket, and gently waved us into the room, her expression difficult to read. Your new mom and dad (although you couldn’t yet know) stepped in first, and I followed closely behind.

The moment I saw you, my chest tightened and sorrow fell heavily on me. The emotion was almost more than I could bear…

…Because you were beautiful, and I saw that our time with you may be short.

We gathered close and tried to take it all in. Daddy asked to hold you and the nurse wrapped you in blankets and gently passed you to his arms. We cried silently, trying to contain our emotion but our welling tears betraying us. You were so small, your condition so rare…so severe.
Why?

We know facts such as you are believed to have Kleeblattschadel syndrome, or cloverleaf skull syndrome, and your skull fused too early leaving little room for your brain’s growth in combination with your internal hydrocephalus. We know more detailed descriptions of this condition. We know the facts, but we still didn’t know the answer to our question: Why?

Precious baby girl, we still don’t know. And, likely, we never will. But, there are some things that we do know. You are perfect. Your Creator fashioned you in the womb, and He delights in you, His treasured and precious creation. He brought you into the world through your birth mother and He carried you (through a long process) to the family that He had planned for you from before the moment you were conceived. In His great love for you, He provided for you long before we were able to care for you or even knew of your existence by leading your birth mother to a hospital that had nurses and staff that would love you and care for you and cry as they handed you over to your family because of how hard it was to let you go. (We later learned that these wonderful women had moved you to that closet to protect you from all of the hungry eyes that would wander down your hall for a peek. You were being loved!) And then our Almighty God had arranged for our group home to receive our license only weeks before this so that we could receive that treasured call saying that you would be joining our family…so that we could take this crazy trip to meet you and carry you home.

Now you are here. We have given you the name “Ruth” due to the love of the nurses and the name by which they called you and “Esperanza” due to the hope that is found in our beloved Creator, Savior, and God. You, Ruth Esperanza, are here in our home where you presently have four brothers, seven sisters, and one mommy and daddy surrounding you and loving on you every day. You are in a home in which Jesus Christ is acknowledged as Lord, and where each of us seek to know and love Him more every day. You are in a home of love where there will never be a shortage of snuggles, hugs, and kisses waiting for you.

And that seems right to me. You see, there are moments when a hold you close to me and I shake with sobs. I weep because I know that we may not have you with us for long, and I feel that you or we are being robbed of something, But our patient God has been giving me a peak into the pig picture of His perfect plan, and I am learning (very slowly) that my perspective is all wrong. You remember how I said that God provided for you by carrying you to those nurses who would love and care for you on the way here? Well, little Esperanza, our Father just reminded me that you are still on the way home. As much as this feels right to me, you have something far better waiting for you. And just as God let you be a blessing to those nurses as they had the opportunity to help carry you “home”, He in His infinite goodness and wisdom has given you to us as a blessing as we get to carry you Home!

What does this mean for us, you ask? Well, we will continue to lavish you with love and snuggles and hugs and kisses every day for as long as we are allowed. We will love, knowing that our love is imperfect and that true Love anxiously awaits you. And we will offer snuggles, hugs, and kisses knowing that the hands and arms of our Creator long to gather you up in His Fatherly love and give you snuggles like you’ve never known before. You are almost home…but you are not there yet.

I can’t promise that there won’t be moments that I forget. I can’t promise that there won’t be moments where my emotions and my limited perspective get the best of me and I try to cling to you. But there are some promises that I can make:

I promise to always come back to those promises of our God.
I promise to love you to the greatest extent that I know how for as long as I am able.
And hardest but most necessarily of all, I promise to let you go and hand you over with sincere joy (even through tears) when our Father extends His arms for you and says with a gentle smile, “It’s time”.

I am crying even as I write to you that final promise, but I can make that promise with sincerity because I am truly learning to know and fall in love with our Savior, and I know without a doubt that He is Good. And I know that His faithfulness stands whether or not we know the answers to the whys. I can think of no safer place to leave you than in His hands.

Come, precious little Esperanza. Let’s snuggle as we walk you Home to Daddy.

With Love, Your Big Sister

Falling in Love, Letting Go, and Holding on For the Ride!

(Because this blog is really long, but really important, I am putting it here in both written and video form for all of you to choose from. They are…pretty much the same! Use whichever you prefer! Just know that they are long. :) The videos are broken into the same three sections as listed in the written blog. The written form has lots of pictures so as to keep you on board.) ;)

Part 1: Falling in Love

Part 2: Letting Go

Part 3: Holding on for the Ride

In recent months, God has been teaching me, molding me, breaking me, building me, emptying me, filling me, and any other work that He could be doing in my life. It has been….incredible! At times it has stretched, hurt, and overwhelmed me, but I wouldn’t trade a single step if I had the chance. And now I am just craving His continued work in my life (because there is OH-so-much more to be done).

But it is time for me to share with you some of this that God has been doing in me and my life. I wish that I could sit each of you down and tell you about it in person because a blog entry just cannot do it justice but…well, you do whatcha gotta do. :)
I am going to break this down into three sections that you can follow my full update. I’ll begin with what God is teaching me, move on to how He has challenged me, and finish with how He is paving the way.

Falling in Love

The number of things that God has been teaching me in the last two years, and especially the last few months, is too great for me to count. I can feel my perspective and my relationship with God changing a great deal with every lesson learned. But I don’t have time to share all of them with you so I am going to focus on the biggest one…the one that affects every single one of the others.

Let me give just a little bit of background. I spend a lot of time in a hospital/orphanage called Hermano Pedro in Antigua, just spending time with the children who live there and cannot live with their families. There is one boy in particular that has become like a brother to me…or maybe even a son. His name is Leonel and he has severe cerebral palsy. He is small and very thin; he is unable to talk or even move his arms and legs. The only way that he communicates is by using his eyes and slight movement of his head to say “yes” and “no” in response to questions. But his is a very intelligent boy and the bond that we share is very special.

Last year, I was writing a message to my friend, Jared, in the United States and I was trying to explain to him what God was teaching me about His love. Since it is difficult to explain all that has been going on in my heart, I want to share that letter with you now (my dad posted this on his blog last year, so some of you may have read it before):

When I hold little Leonel in my arms, I care nothing about the fact that he cannot speak to me or wrap his arms around me. I care nothing about the fact that he cannot lift his bottle or a spoon to his mouth, wipe his drool, change his dirty diaper, or do anything to care for himself. On the contrary, I LOVE to sit by his side or cradle him in my arms and do everything that I can make him comfortable and happy and to help him understand how much I love him. And the joy that it brings me when his eyes light up or a smile crosses his lips is far more valuable to me than anything he could bring me through further "capabilities". And it is completely inexplicable!

Leonel has done nothing to "earn" my love. There is nothing that he has given me or offered me to produce this love for him in my heart. In fact, to even imagine such a thing being the cause for my love for him just cheapens it! I despise the thought. No THING or CAUSE could produce this love for him in me. My joy comes from the very act of loving him. The one and only thing that I desire from him...is his returned love. My favorite moments are the ones when I look in his eyes and can see that, although he cannot speak, he knows that I love him and he loves me, too. And cleaning him up, changing his diaper, feeding him mashed potatoes one slow, small bite at a time, cradling his frail body in my arms, re-positioning him for comfort, asking endless numbers of yes-no questions to find out what he wants and needs, and whispering words of love into his ears...are all my favorite uses of my time because they let me show my love to and spend my time with him...my little Leonel.

And one day it hit me. It is as if God is saying, "You know that love that you have for Leonel?...That is just a small glimpse of the love that I have for you. You are weak, frail, and helpless. You are incapable of cleaning yourself up and meeting even the most simple of your needs. There is absolutely nothing that you can do or give me to earn my love. And yet you have it...in a quantity and magnitude so much greater than you could ever imagine.

I DELIGHT in you, and my greatest joy is found in seeing you smile and knowing that you are catching even a small glimpse of the love that I have for you. And there is absolutely nothing that you can offer me...except your love.

Now, I don’t know how much this affects each of you (mainly because I don’t know how to communicate to all of you the love that I have for Leonel). But I can tell you that this has completely transformed my view of God and my relationship with Him. God used my love for Leonel to give me just a very small taste of the love that has for me. To be honest, I still have a hard time believing it when I know how weak and frail and full of sin I am……and yet the Bible is FULL of verses that tell of God’s love for us! And it doesn’t say that he loves us because of something that we have done. In fact, Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

While we were still sinners.

He loves us when we are unable to move.
He loves us when we are sitting in our own filth.
He loves us when we are incapable of doing anything for ourselves or for Him.

I love Leonel because….I love him.
God loves me because….He loves me.
God loves you because….He loves you.

Notice how the reason for His love is HIM. Therefore, we can do nothing to make Him love us more or love us less. The only way that His love for us can change is if He changes. And guess what Hebrews 13:8 tell us? “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever”. So as much as we may think we don’t deserve it, God’s love for us remains! We may as well stop trying to argue it…stop trying to fight it…stop trying to earn it.

So what does this mean? If God truly loves us with this intensity, it changes everything!
If we can truly come to believe and accept this love, it will change everything.
If the God and Creator of this university loves me and hold me in His powerful arms, there is no room for fear. There is no room for doubt. There is no room condemnation!

Let me tell you a story about an experience that Leonel and I had:
One day, Leonel had a terrible bowel movement in his diaper. Is smelled terrible, and I could see that he felt dirty and miserable. I asked him if he wanted me to get one of the nurses to change him. He shook his head no. I asked if he wanted me to change him and he quickly nodded yes. So I went and gathered what I needed, came back to his crib, took a deep breath, and began to change him. When I reached behind him to undo the diaper, I came to a terrible realization: the mess was not just IN the diaper; it had spilled out…and was now “gracing” my hand and arm. My eyes got big and my face scrunched up, and I pulled my hand back out so that Leonel could see it. Leonel looked at my hand and looked and my face…and then he just started laughing! (Leonel is usually a pretty serious and sad little boy, so when he laughs, it is a precious moment!) He was laughing so hard he could barely breath, and I was just full of joy seeing him so happy. Soon we were both laughing, and we continued to do so until he was completely cleaned up.

Physically, it was a disgusting experience. In his physical weakness, Leonel had made a mess that he simply couldn’t clean up on his own. But instead of trying to handle it himself (which would never have worked!) or even having one of the nurses try to clean him up, he remembered that I loved him and he trusted me to lovingly clean him up. And in the middle of a “disgusting” situation, we looked into each other’s eyes and laughed and enjoyed one another’s company until I had cleaned him up.

That is what God wants to do for us! He says, “I know that you are weak. I know that you are broken. I expect you to make messes. The only time that you disappoint me is when you push me away in favor of ‘taking care of’ the situation yourself. Rest in me. When you make a mistake come to me. And look into my eyes and enjoy my company while I clean you up!”

Can I just say that these few months have been the first time that I have truly been IN love with God? I have loved God for many years. I have wanted to be a missionary since I was seven, and I have been pursuing relationship with Him for years, but this is the first time that I have been IN love with God. And I believe that it is because this is the first time that I have truly recognized and stretched my hands out to receive His love.

We don’t earn God’s love. We accept it.


Letting Go

Now, if God loves us THIS MUCH and we can learn to love Him back…does anything else matter?

I have been praying about the possibility of moving to San Pablo La Laguna (pictured small and to the left across the lake in the picture below) by Lake Atitlán in order to teach special education to children who don’t have the opportunity to go to school. I don’t know the language. (Many families there do not even speak Spanish, but instead speak their town’s language of Tz’utujil.) I don’t know the culture. (Culture varies dramatically between different towns.) I am a single American girl with no husband or other form of physical protection. I still don’t feel anywhere near qualified to be a special education teacher. But God has put this passion on my heart….and now, to top it all off, God has been teaching me know His love.

So now I am in love with an all powerful God who loves me and carries me.
I don’t have to know what is coming next.
I don’t need to find my own provisions.
I don’t need to find my own protection.

Why?? Because God holds me in His arms. I rest in the arms of my powerful Creator. The Creator that formed this world with the breath of His mouth! The Creator that formed these powerful volcanoes that puff smoke to be seen throughout the day and spurt lava to be seen throughout the night. The Creator that controls the weather and sky's moment-by moment design! The Creator that brought his people out of Egypt, split open the red sea to let them free and then crush their enemies, led them through the desert meeting every need of food, water, and provisions along the way, and forty years later led them into the promise land. If it is true that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, this is the God that holds me!

God doesn't expect me to go get things done for Him.
God doesn't want me to go get things done for Him.
Actually, that is one of the only ways we can go wrong. We often climb down from God's lap and head off to do "His" work for Him…He doesn't want that! We really can't accomplish anything of worth on our own anyway! It wastes our time, and He misses us while we are gone.

Right now, God is teaching me that we have to sit tight and keep looking into His eyes. When he wants our "help" (for he doesn't need our help at all), he will show us what He is doing (right where He has carried us to…notice that we have done no "going" on our own; he carries us!) and let us be the vessel through which he works.

(Side note: This makes me think of my little sister Kimmie. Sometimes she asks to help one of us make cookies. Honestly, this really means a lot more work and time for us, but the joy comes in the time spent with our little sister. We could do it a lot better and more easily on our own, but we want that time with her. So is it ever okay for us to use the excuse that we are too busy doing God’s work to spend one-on-one time with Him? That is actually absurd in this understanding of God’s love for us!)

The only thing God wants is for me to rest in His arms, recognizing that I am weak and broken and unworthy…but gazing into His eyes, filling with joy from the love He has for me, and letting Him take me wherever He may desire to do so.
So as I have been learning this, I have been asking myself another question:
Do I really believe all of this? Does my life truly reflect that?

I was recently reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. In this book (I do not remember the exact quote), he asked something along the lines of “Do we live any differently as a result of our ‘faith’? Do we live in such a way that God HAS to come through or do we rearrange and plan our lives so that we are safe even if He doesn’t?”

When I answered that question for myself I realized that I am a planner. I profess faith in Christ and I tell Him that I trust Him with my life, but when it comes down to it, I usually live in such a way that I am safe even if God doesn’t come through. I have looked to God for “guidance”…maybe even let him hold my hand or walk with His arm around me, but…
…I never let my feet off of the ground.
I never let Him carry me.

This last month, as I have been spending extra time with God daily and asking Him to teach me, God has asked me to pick up my feet. And have decided to say “yes” to my Lord. (If I can’t say yes, he isn’t really my Lord, is He?) And I am now making some life changes as a result.

I study special education online through a university in the United States and plan to teach special education in a part of this country that has no education of this sort available. I have always planned to do what other missionaries do and raise money for support so that I can continue to do this work for God without financial problems. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with this approach, as we, as the body of Christ, are called to share with one another in God's work. But I have been reading a book about George Mueller (who began and continued a large orphanage entirely by faith, never asking for any money, supplies, workers, or needs from anyone but the Lord) and through all of this, God said to me, “Are you ready for this? This is where you pick up your feet. I don't want you to raise support. I don't want you to seek your own means of provision. I want you to rely entirely on me so that YOU can learn greater faith and dependence on me and so that you can encourage others to do the same.”

So I'm picking up my feet! I'm letting Him carry me. I will not be raising support. I will not be sharing specific needs regarding my school bills or my ministry needs in the future. Instead, I will be coming before the Lord many times daily to present my requests to Him….and I will watch to see how my faithful and powerful God provides. (Again, He is the same yesterday, today, and forever!)

My feet are off the ground.
I no longer have control.
And can I tell you something? I have NEVER felt more peace and joy that I do right now. In the middle of all these unknowns, the doubts and fears…are falling away. I'm finally living!! And I can't wait to fall more in love with my God!

I share this with all of you, partially because I just want you to know that God is doing in my life.
But I don’t believe that God is not just calling me to pick up my feet. This is something that He calls ALL of His children to. He asked Abraham to leave his home. He asked the rich man to leave his wealth. He asked Moses to leave his comfort zone and insecurities. He asked his disciples to leave everything.

Challenge for each of you:
I have shared what God is calling ME to. But what is he calling YOU to? Are you willing to say yes? Are you willing to pick up your feet and let Him carry you? As much as it hurts to say this, this is a warning to us: if we are not willing to say yes, we cannot call Him our Lord. But this is not a threat. As I have just shared, the greatest joy is found IN living for our Lord…letting Him rule our lives. It goes against our human nature to let go and surrender to another, but if we hold back, we will miss the beautiful blessings in store for us. And I can tell you that now that I have decided to let go and lift my feet…I feel so much more free and full of peace than ever before! (And I have always been the worrying/stressing type.) You won’t be giving something up but instead you will be gaining deeper relationship with God and a life worth living!

But you have to be willing to let go. You have to make the decision.

Holding On

So, I have fallen in love! I have let go! Now…I am holding on for the ride!

As I shared with you above, there have been all of these reasonable concerns (humanly speaking) about me getting up and going to a town that I know nearly nothing about while lacking skills, knowledge, and protection that would be very beneficial. But I have felt such a peace about this in the last few weeks and had even begun to share with those around me (a congregation at a church in Chiquimulilla and the youth group at Iglesia Del Camino) in the last few weeks all that God was doing, teaching me, and challenging me to.

And then two nights ago,…things got even better!
My dad, Gerardo, and two of my sisters (Krishauna and Teisha) were on a two night trip to San Pablo, the town that I want to move to, to do the monthly round to the families that we have started working with there. (I was unable to go because of work.) On Wednesday night, I got a call from Krishauna saying that they were having dinner right then with the pastor from San Pablo that our friends (the Ericksons and apparently Dick Rutgers, as well) had been trying to connect us with.

Long story short, when this pastor and his wife heard about me and how I have a desire and passion to move there to do ministry, they quickly offered to let me come and live with them! (Apparently, they have a large house that they are continuing to add to with the vision of hosting missionaries, opening an internet place for students to use, and do other ministry.) When those words hit my ears, my heart soared! God has already begun paving the way when I had no idea where to begin!

But it gets even better! This pastor’s wife teaches Tz’utujil (the language of that town), and they said that she could work with me to teach me this language! (The pastor suggested that his wife would have me speaking it in a year, but I have my doubts.) ;)

Is this not incredible?! Well, if you don’t know, just trust me…it’s incredible!
But is it surprising? No.
He’s the same yesterday, today, and forever, right??
Abraham, Moses, the disciples, George Mueller, (the list goes on) could all have told me this was coming. :)

So…my heart is happy.
That may sounds silly or cliché to say but…I mean it with my whole heart. I have never been so full of joy. I have never been faced with so many unknowns…but I have also never been filled with this much peace. I could possibly explode with the joy of it all.

Have I mentioned I’m happy?! :)

(This shows how happy I am! And what a ham my little neighbor is!)  : ) 
–>

And I don’t want you to read this and think, “Oh, good for Brittney!” I’m glad she found that joy and the next step for her life. If you aren’t celebrating this same thing for your life right now…you could be! You should be! You just have to be willing to accept it. If you have doubts or questions, PLEASE write me. I would love to talk to you about it and share more. This post is just at an absurd length. ;)

If you made it this far, thank you for reading and for sharing in my joy!

To God be all the glory!

Hard Eucharisteo: What do we know of “Thanksgiving”?

 

Before I even begin writing this entry—before you read—I want to make it clear what this entry is. This blog entry is about a beautiful yet terribly challenging truth that I believe God is trying to teach me right now. I want this to be clear because this is not me preaching to any of you (although God may use it to speak to you, as well); this is me sharing just a little bit of what God is teaching me even as He breaks me. Molds me. Transforms me. Even as he lovingly takes me into His arms and whispers, “You’ve got it all wrong! Let me show you…”

“And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them…” (Luke 22:19 NIV)….In the original language, “he gave thanks” reads “eucharisteo.”….The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning “grace.” Jesus took the break and saw it as grace and gave thanks. He took the break and knew it to be gift and gave thanks. But there is more….Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelops the Greek word for grace, charis. But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning “joy.”
               Charis. Grace.
                                Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving.
                                                                   Chara. Joy.
~Ann Voskamp pg. 32-33

I have been reading a book called One Thousand Gifts (2010) by Ann Voskamp for the second time through, and it has been completely transforming my perspective of what true trust in God is. What true thanksgiving is. You see, these first twenty-two years of my life, I have had a completely distorted view of what “thanksgiving to God” is. I have adopted this counterfeit version of thanksgiving and trust in God and made it my own. I’m not making sense yet, am I? Let me explain.

You know that beautiful verse in 1 Thessalonians? The one that says “…give thanks in all circumstances…”? I’ve always loved that one. I’ve thought, “It’s a challenge, but if I can find something to be able to thank God for— in even the most difficult of circumstances, I will be living thanksgiving and praise to God! If I can just focus on all of the good things in my life and bring them before God to give thanks, I will have reached full thanksgiving and I will find joy no matter what the circumstance!

But there is something wrong with this picture, and Voskamp came to this conclusion in her own life experiences: something is missing in this understanding of thanksgiving. Sometimes this is not enough. When you are facing a serious illness, when you are standing by the casket of a loved one, when your heart is all together breaking…sometimes dwelling on the good things around the bad situation is simply not enough. The “bad” is just….too bad! So what then? Do we just cling to the promises that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him” and try to go on our way in “trust”? To some extent, yes, but not quite the way you might think.

Voskamp discovers and suggests something bold. Something ridiculous. Something absurd.
                   We thank God for these things. (Um…what?!)

We thank God for the bad things? Doesn’t this go a little too far? Maybe not. The more I think about this, the more I pray about it, and the more I practice it, the more it makes sense…the more real it becomes to me.

In explaining the wrestling that she, herself, was having in a specific situation in her life, Voskamp shares the prayer that she prayed to God as He was slowly revealing this truth to her:

"Lord,…that I’d day after day after day greedily take what looks like it’s good from Your hand—a child gloating over sweet candy…but that I’d thrash wild to escape when what You give from Your hand feels bad—like gravel in the mouth. Oh, Father, forgive…Should I accept good from you, and not trouble?” (Job 2:10). pg. 94-95

Can we accept what God sends us as “good” even though we don’t understanding it? (The Israelites living on manna—this unknown substance—in the desert.) Do we truly believe that God is good? If we are not accepting everything that God sends as being good, maybe the answer is no.

So how do we reach the point of truly believing His good character? We begin to count the blessings. We start with the ones we can easily recognize as blessings and we press on from there. Voskamp challenges us to begin a One Thousand Gifts journal in which we number and name 1,000 different gifts from God seen in our every day lives. Sounds, smells, sights, material blessings, precious moments, etc. I have been doing this in recent months and the affect on my perspective and my heart has been amazing.

Voskamp provides the illustration of a bridge.

Can God be counted on? Count blessings and find out how many of His bridges have already held…Had I not trusted all these years because I had not counted?…Every time fear freezes and worry writhes, every time I surrender to stress, aren’t I advertising the unreliability of God?…But if I’m grateful to the Bridge Builder for the crossing of a million strong bridges, thankful for a million faithful moments, my life speaks my beliefs and I trust Him again. I fearlessly cross the next bridge.
Trust is the bridge from yesterday to tomorrow, built with planks of thanks. Remembering frames up gratitude. Gratitude lays out the planks of trust. I can walk the planks—from know to unknown—and know: He holds. pg. 151-152

So we count.
We name His blessings.
We let ourselves learn who He really is just by acknowledging His everyday faithfulness.
And then we are ready to give thanks for the hard, ugly, and difficult??
….oh, we are so close!

Voskamp takes what she has learned here, and takes us back to the beginning illustration of Jesus (so perfectly demonstrating hard eucharisteo) in order to apply this new trust in the Bridge Builder to the “hard”:

Because eucharisteo is how Jesus, at the Last Supper, showed us to transfigure all things—take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness. I have glimpsed it: This, the hard eucharisteo. The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty. The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good. The hard discipline to number the griefs as grace because as the surgeon would cut open my son’s finger to heal him, so God chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart to make me whole.
All is grace only because all can transfigure. pg. 101

Wow. So there it is. True thankfulness in all situations is available to me if I will only choose to count the blessings, see the forever faithfulness of my Bridge Builder, and open my hands to receive everything that He sends my way, both beautiful and ugly, because through Him, ugly is transformed!

I believe this. Well, I am learning to believe this… It is becoming more and more real to me. But the truth is that I am not yet to this point. I still hold fears. As I move toward the calling that I believe God is giving me, some big fears rise to the surface. In the years to come, I hope to live among the people with which I most desire to work and minister to. God willing, this means that I will likely be in a more remote and impoverished area…which may mean a more dangerous situation for me (humanly speaking). The following fears tend to rise to my mind: If I follow God to these parts of Guatemala, but I do not marry, am I just putting myself in unnecessary danger? White girls are already a target for many. If I put myself in a remote area with little in the area of protection, am I not asking for serious trouble?

And then I learn this lesson of eucharisteo that makes so much sense! (My Bridge Builder has been so faithful, so no matter what happens, I should be able to trust Him!) I am so close to grasping it but I think, “If the worst of these fears were to happen, would I still be able to come to God in thanksgiving and thank Him for the ugly-beautiful?” Let me go a step farter in my bluntness and honesty with you about my striving for hard eucharisteo…

If I am one day robbed of all I have, will I be able to give thanks?
If I loose a loved one, will I be able to give thanks?
If I am molested or raped,…will I be able to come before my Bridge Builder and give thanks?
All that ugly? All that hurt? Would I be able to?

Not being in that situation, it is hard for me to say. But I pray that I would! And in the meantime, I will count the blessings. My journal is at 712, but my heart has gone far beyond…every day, I am learning to count the blessings. I have been counting the beautiful blessings, and now I am learning to count the ugly-beautiful.

Every day, I will count.
I will count and I will grow in trust and love for my Bridge Builder.
…so that I am ready if and when the hardest of eucharisteo is necessary.
And I will let my faithful Bridge Builder lead me home… <3