Falling in Love, Letting Go, and Holding on For the Ride!

(Because this blog is really long, but really important, I am putting it here in both written and video form for all of you to choose from. They are…pretty much the same! Use whichever you prefer! Just know that they are long. :) The videos are broken into the same three sections as listed in the written blog. The written form has lots of pictures so as to keep you on board.) ;)

Part 1: Falling in Love

Part 2: Letting Go

Part 3: Holding on for the Ride

In recent months, God has been teaching me, molding me, breaking me, building me, emptying me, filling me, and any other work that He could be doing in my life. It has been….incredible! At times it has stretched, hurt, and overwhelmed me, but I wouldn’t trade a single step if I had the chance. And now I am just craving His continued work in my life (because there is OH-so-much more to be done).

But it is time for me to share with you some of this that God has been doing in me and my life. I wish that I could sit each of you down and tell you about it in person because a blog entry just cannot do it justice but…well, you do whatcha gotta do. :)
I am going to break this down into three sections that you can follow my full update. I’ll begin with what God is teaching me, move on to how He has challenged me, and finish with how He is paving the way.

Falling in Love

The number of things that God has been teaching me in the last two years, and especially the last few months, is too great for me to count. I can feel my perspective and my relationship with God changing a great deal with every lesson learned. But I don’t have time to share all of them with you so I am going to focus on the biggest one…the one that affects every single one of the others.

Let me give just a little bit of background. I spend a lot of time in a hospital/orphanage called Hermano Pedro in Antigua, just spending time with the children who live there and cannot live with their families. There is one boy in particular that has become like a brother to me…or maybe even a son. His name is Leonel and he has severe cerebral palsy. He is small and very thin; he is unable to talk or even move his arms and legs. The only way that he communicates is by using his eyes and slight movement of his head to say “yes” and “no” in response to questions. But his is a very intelligent boy and the bond that we share is very special.

Last year, I was writing a message to my friend, Jared, in the United States and I was trying to explain to him what God was teaching me about His love. Since it is difficult to explain all that has been going on in my heart, I want to share that letter with you now (my dad posted this on his blog last year, so some of you may have read it before):

When I hold little Leonel in my arms, I care nothing about the fact that he cannot speak to me or wrap his arms around me. I care nothing about the fact that he cannot lift his bottle or a spoon to his mouth, wipe his drool, change his dirty diaper, or do anything to care for himself. On the contrary, I LOVE to sit by his side or cradle him in my arms and do everything that I can make him comfortable and happy and to help him understand how much I love him. And the joy that it brings me when his eyes light up or a smile crosses his lips is far more valuable to me than anything he could bring me through further "capabilities". And it is completely inexplicable!

Leonel has done nothing to "earn" my love. There is nothing that he has given me or offered me to produce this love for him in my heart. In fact, to even imagine such a thing being the cause for my love for him just cheapens it! I despise the thought. No THING or CAUSE could produce this love for him in me. My joy comes from the very act of loving him. The one and only thing that I desire from him...is his returned love. My favorite moments are the ones when I look in his eyes and can see that, although he cannot speak, he knows that I love him and he loves me, too. And cleaning him up, changing his diaper, feeding him mashed potatoes one slow, small bite at a time, cradling his frail body in my arms, re-positioning him for comfort, asking endless numbers of yes-no questions to find out what he wants and needs, and whispering words of love into his ears...are all my favorite uses of my time because they let me show my love to and spend my time with him...my little Leonel.

And one day it hit me. It is as if God is saying, "You know that love that you have for Leonel?...That is just a small glimpse of the love that I have for you. You are weak, frail, and helpless. You are incapable of cleaning yourself up and meeting even the most simple of your needs. There is absolutely nothing that you can do or give me to earn my love. And yet you have it...in a quantity and magnitude so much greater than you could ever imagine.

I DELIGHT in you, and my greatest joy is found in seeing you smile and knowing that you are catching even a small glimpse of the love that I have for you. And there is absolutely nothing that you can offer me...except your love.

Now, I don’t know how much this affects each of you (mainly because I don’t know how to communicate to all of you the love that I have for Leonel). But I can tell you that this has completely transformed my view of God and my relationship with Him. God used my love for Leonel to give me just a very small taste of the love that has for me. To be honest, I still have a hard time believing it when I know how weak and frail and full of sin I am……and yet the Bible is FULL of verses that tell of God’s love for us! And it doesn’t say that he loves us because of something that we have done. In fact, Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

While we were still sinners.

He loves us when we are unable to move.
He loves us when we are sitting in our own filth.
He loves us when we are incapable of doing anything for ourselves or for Him.

I love Leonel because….I love him.
God loves me because….He loves me.
God loves you because….He loves you.

Notice how the reason for His love is HIM. Therefore, we can do nothing to make Him love us more or love us less. The only way that His love for us can change is if He changes. And guess what Hebrews 13:8 tell us? “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever”. So as much as we may think we don’t deserve it, God’s love for us remains! We may as well stop trying to argue it…stop trying to fight it…stop trying to earn it.

So what does this mean? If God truly loves us with this intensity, it changes everything!
If we can truly come to believe and accept this love, it will change everything.
If the God and Creator of this university loves me and hold me in His powerful arms, there is no room for fear. There is no room for doubt. There is no room condemnation!

Let me tell you a story about an experience that Leonel and I had:
One day, Leonel had a terrible bowel movement in his diaper. Is smelled terrible, and I could see that he felt dirty and miserable. I asked him if he wanted me to get one of the nurses to change him. He shook his head no. I asked if he wanted me to change him and he quickly nodded yes. So I went and gathered what I needed, came back to his crib, took a deep breath, and began to change him. When I reached behind him to undo the diaper, I came to a terrible realization: the mess was not just IN the diaper; it had spilled out…and was now “gracing” my hand and arm. My eyes got big and my face scrunched up, and I pulled my hand back out so that Leonel could see it. Leonel looked at my hand and looked and my face…and then he just started laughing! (Leonel is usually a pretty serious and sad little boy, so when he laughs, it is a precious moment!) He was laughing so hard he could barely breath, and I was just full of joy seeing him so happy. Soon we were both laughing, and we continued to do so until he was completely cleaned up.

Physically, it was a disgusting experience. In his physical weakness, Leonel had made a mess that he simply couldn’t clean up on his own. But instead of trying to handle it himself (which would never have worked!) or even having one of the nurses try to clean him up, he remembered that I loved him and he trusted me to lovingly clean him up. And in the middle of a “disgusting” situation, we looked into each other’s eyes and laughed and enjoyed one another’s company until I had cleaned him up.

That is what God wants to do for us! He says, “I know that you are weak. I know that you are broken. I expect you to make messes. The only time that you disappoint me is when you push me away in favor of ‘taking care of’ the situation yourself. Rest in me. When you make a mistake come to me. And look into my eyes and enjoy my company while I clean you up!”

Can I just say that these few months have been the first time that I have truly been IN love with God? I have loved God for many years. I have wanted to be a missionary since I was seven, and I have been pursuing relationship with Him for years, but this is the first time that I have been IN love with God. And I believe that it is because this is the first time that I have truly recognized and stretched my hands out to receive His love.

We don’t earn God’s love. We accept it.


Letting Go

Now, if God loves us THIS MUCH and we can learn to love Him back…does anything else matter?

I have been praying about the possibility of moving to San Pablo La Laguna (pictured small and to the left across the lake in the picture below) by Lake Atitlán in order to teach special education to children who don’t have the opportunity to go to school. I don’t know the language. (Many families there do not even speak Spanish, but instead speak their town’s language of Tz’utujil.) I don’t know the culture. (Culture varies dramatically between different towns.) I am a single American girl with no husband or other form of physical protection. I still don’t feel anywhere near qualified to be a special education teacher. But God has put this passion on my heart….and now, to top it all off, God has been teaching me know His love.

So now I am in love with an all powerful God who loves me and carries me.
I don’t have to know what is coming next.
I don’t need to find my own provisions.
I don’t need to find my own protection.

Why?? Because God holds me in His arms. I rest in the arms of my powerful Creator. The Creator that formed this world with the breath of His mouth! The Creator that formed these powerful volcanoes that puff smoke to be seen throughout the day and spurt lava to be seen throughout the night. The Creator that controls the weather and sky's moment-by moment design! The Creator that brought his people out of Egypt, split open the red sea to let them free and then crush their enemies, led them through the desert meeting every need of food, water, and provisions along the way, and forty years later led them into the promise land. If it is true that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, this is the God that holds me!

God doesn't expect me to go get things done for Him.
God doesn't want me to go get things done for Him.
Actually, that is one of the only ways we can go wrong. We often climb down from God's lap and head off to do "His" work for Him…He doesn't want that! We really can't accomplish anything of worth on our own anyway! It wastes our time, and He misses us while we are gone.

Right now, God is teaching me that we have to sit tight and keep looking into His eyes. When he wants our "help" (for he doesn't need our help at all), he will show us what He is doing (right where He has carried us to…notice that we have done no "going" on our own; he carries us!) and let us be the vessel through which he works.

(Side note: This makes me think of my little sister Kimmie. Sometimes she asks to help one of us make cookies. Honestly, this really means a lot more work and time for us, but the joy comes in the time spent with our little sister. We could do it a lot better and more easily on our own, but we want that time with her. So is it ever okay for us to use the excuse that we are too busy doing God’s work to spend one-on-one time with Him? That is actually absurd in this understanding of God’s love for us!)

The only thing God wants is for me to rest in His arms, recognizing that I am weak and broken and unworthy…but gazing into His eyes, filling with joy from the love He has for me, and letting Him take me wherever He may desire to do so.
So as I have been learning this, I have been asking myself another question:
Do I really believe all of this? Does my life truly reflect that?

I was recently reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. In this book (I do not remember the exact quote), he asked something along the lines of “Do we live any differently as a result of our ‘faith’? Do we live in such a way that God HAS to come through or do we rearrange and plan our lives so that we are safe even if He doesn’t?”

When I answered that question for myself I realized that I am a planner. I profess faith in Christ and I tell Him that I trust Him with my life, but when it comes down to it, I usually live in such a way that I am safe even if God doesn’t come through. I have looked to God for “guidance”…maybe even let him hold my hand or walk with His arm around me, but…
…I never let my feet off of the ground.
I never let Him carry me.

This last month, as I have been spending extra time with God daily and asking Him to teach me, God has asked me to pick up my feet. And have decided to say “yes” to my Lord. (If I can’t say yes, he isn’t really my Lord, is He?) And I am now making some life changes as a result.

I study special education online through a university in the United States and plan to teach special education in a part of this country that has no education of this sort available. I have always planned to do what other missionaries do and raise money for support so that I can continue to do this work for God without financial problems. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with this approach, as we, as the body of Christ, are called to share with one another in God's work. But I have been reading a book about George Mueller (who began and continued a large orphanage entirely by faith, never asking for any money, supplies, workers, or needs from anyone but the Lord) and through all of this, God said to me, “Are you ready for this? This is where you pick up your feet. I don't want you to raise support. I don't want you to seek your own means of provision. I want you to rely entirely on me so that YOU can learn greater faith and dependence on me and so that you can encourage others to do the same.”

So I'm picking up my feet! I'm letting Him carry me. I will not be raising support. I will not be sharing specific needs regarding my school bills or my ministry needs in the future. Instead, I will be coming before the Lord many times daily to present my requests to Him….and I will watch to see how my faithful and powerful God provides. (Again, He is the same yesterday, today, and forever!)

My feet are off the ground.
I no longer have control.
And can I tell you something? I have NEVER felt more peace and joy that I do right now. In the middle of all these unknowns, the doubts and fears…are falling away. I'm finally living!! And I can't wait to fall more in love with my God!

I share this with all of you, partially because I just want you to know that God is doing in my life.
But I don’t believe that God is not just calling me to pick up my feet. This is something that He calls ALL of His children to. He asked Abraham to leave his home. He asked the rich man to leave his wealth. He asked Moses to leave his comfort zone and insecurities. He asked his disciples to leave everything.

Challenge for each of you:
I have shared what God is calling ME to. But what is he calling YOU to? Are you willing to say yes? Are you willing to pick up your feet and let Him carry you? As much as it hurts to say this, this is a warning to us: if we are not willing to say yes, we cannot call Him our Lord. But this is not a threat. As I have just shared, the greatest joy is found IN living for our Lord…letting Him rule our lives. It goes against our human nature to let go and surrender to another, but if we hold back, we will miss the beautiful blessings in store for us. And I can tell you that now that I have decided to let go and lift my feet…I feel so much more free and full of peace than ever before! (And I have always been the worrying/stressing type.) You won’t be giving something up but instead you will be gaining deeper relationship with God and a life worth living!

But you have to be willing to let go. You have to make the decision.

Holding On

So, I have fallen in love! I have let go! Now…I am holding on for the ride!

As I shared with you above, there have been all of these reasonable concerns (humanly speaking) about me getting up and going to a town that I know nearly nothing about while lacking skills, knowledge, and protection that would be very beneficial. But I have felt such a peace about this in the last few weeks and had even begun to share with those around me (a congregation at a church in Chiquimulilla and the youth group at Iglesia Del Camino) in the last few weeks all that God was doing, teaching me, and challenging me to.

And then two nights ago,…things got even better!
My dad, Gerardo, and two of my sisters (Krishauna and Teisha) were on a two night trip to San Pablo, the town that I want to move to, to do the monthly round to the families that we have started working with there. (I was unable to go because of work.) On Wednesday night, I got a call from Krishauna saying that they were having dinner right then with the pastor from San Pablo that our friends (the Ericksons and apparently Dick Rutgers, as well) had been trying to connect us with.

Long story short, when this pastor and his wife heard about me and how I have a desire and passion to move there to do ministry, they quickly offered to let me come and live with them! (Apparently, they have a large house that they are continuing to add to with the vision of hosting missionaries, opening an internet place for students to use, and do other ministry.) When those words hit my ears, my heart soared! God has already begun paving the way when I had no idea where to begin!

But it gets even better! This pastor’s wife teaches Tz’utujil (the language of that town), and they said that she could work with me to teach me this language! (The pastor suggested that his wife would have me speaking it in a year, but I have my doubts.) ;)

Is this not incredible?! Well, if you don’t know, just trust me…it’s incredible!
But is it surprising? No.
He’s the same yesterday, today, and forever, right??
Abraham, Moses, the disciples, George Mueller, (the list goes on) could all have told me this was coming. :)

So…my heart is happy.
That may sounds silly or cliché to say but…I mean it with my whole heart. I have never been so full of joy. I have never been faced with so many unknowns…but I have also never been filled with this much peace. I could possibly explode with the joy of it all.

Have I mentioned I’m happy?! :)

(This shows how happy I am! And what a ham my little neighbor is!)  : ) 
–>

And I don’t want you to read this and think, “Oh, good for Brittney!” I’m glad she found that joy and the next step for her life. If you aren’t celebrating this same thing for your life right now…you could be! You should be! You just have to be willing to accept it. If you have doubts or questions, PLEASE write me. I would love to talk to you about it and share more. This post is just at an absurd length. ;)

If you made it this far, thank you for reading and for sharing in my joy!

To God be all the glory!