Why Am I Here and What’s the Next Step?

View from my roof last week

Okay, I wrote most of this when I was awake in the middle of the night a few nights ago, so it is a little bit scattered. But then…I am a little bit scattered these days. (: I did some touch-ups and updates just now, and I want to post this for those who have really been wanting the details on my start-up approach to my ministry here in San Pablo La Laguna. The details are here because it is a lot easier to share them all in an easily accessible post than to explain it again each time I talk to one of you.

I came here because I am now “prepared” and “qualified” to teach special education, and special education is not available here in San Pablo. I came here because I saw great levels of need, and I thought it would be a wonderful place to shine the light of Jesus. But have I led myself or others to believe that I, myself, have something to offer? Because the truth is that I do not. Really, my experience level in teaching is virtually zero. Even the training that I have received in special education has done nothing to prepare me for starting from scratch or for working with students who have never been in school before. My training did nothing to prepare me for working with kids who have never left their town and likely never will. Kids who speak a native tongue tied only to a few towns surrounding this lake in the middle of Guatemala. Truth be told, the thing in which I am most “qualified” is not even something that I can pretend I am truly qualified for.

So why am I here?
That is something with which I have really struggled, because, at times, I do not remember the answer. But I believe that, ultimately, I am here to be the love of Jesus. It is just hard to know what exactly that should look like as I begin this ministry, especially when I feel so very unqualified. But what I do know is that God put this town in my heart ever since I first came in January of 2013. What I do know is that I followed through with a degree in special education because I felt that it was a God-given passion. What I do know is that God uses his weak and broken children distorted by sin…but redeemed by His blood alone…to demonstrate His goodness and power and mercy. So I have no doubt that He can do His work through me. Or even around me, if need be…with me standing in contrast to His goodness and majesty and power. (And if that is how He intends to work, then so be it! But I hope He can use the “through me” approach.) (;

So I am here, and I am preparing to try to do this thing called “education” as I have been taught, but what I am realizing in this moment more than ever is this: I have a lot to learn. I am reading the book “When Helping Hurts” by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert because my friend, Joel, lent it me and recommended it. (I have heard so much about it the last few years but never actually read it.) One of the big points that the authors emphasize in this book is that we, in the United States, tend to have this god-like complex that says, “we have and so we will offer to those who do not”. We do this with finances, religion, medical knowledge, general knowledge, etc. It is not that we never have knowledge that needs to be shared--There are times when absolute Truth is involved or information and knowledge on a specific topic needs to be shared--But in regards to other things…we are not always right. I am not always right. Beyond that which can be found in the Word of God (and sometimes with things that have been scientifically proven), we cannot assume that we are right. But in my mind, I am so quick to jump to conclusions and judgments about the way things should be done.

In my particular case, I am applying this idea to education. I have been so frustrated about the educational system here in Guatemala. Throughout my observations in numerous schools, I have seen little be accomplished in the classroom as far as academics go and I have watched as schedules are so lenient that you can show up for class and find that the teacher had to go to the city so class is canceled. And that doesn’t even begin to cover my frustration for the “special education” classrooms I have seen where the kids do coloring pages and gluing of paper and nothing more. But while some of these frustrations are valid, I am realizing that I have taken it to an extreme in which I have lost respect for most teachers and most schools here in Guatemala. This in unhealthy. It is unhealthy because I am in a culture that still is not my own. I can’t see all that is going on beneath the surface. I mean, you teachers in the United States understand how many things are affecting your day-to-day handling of your classroom…and what frustration and challenges those things can produce! What all is affecting things here? I can’t know. I’m not saying that the common educational approach used here is all well and good just because there are things affecting them…but I am saying I should be a little slower to jump to judgments and much more willing to listen to the thoughts, ideas, challenges, and approaches of the teachers and families around me so that I can learn from them. Because, frankly, I have no idea.

I share all of this just so that you all know the things that I am working through and the approach with which I am approaching education. But as I learn how to do so, I want you all to know that I am indeed pursuing education as the means to love on these kids and point people to Jesus. Please know, I do not believe that an education itself is going to change the lives of these children. Because of the life circumstances here in San Pablo, it likely will not. However, I believe that God can change the lives of my students, and my goal in trying to provide them with an education is to help them reach their fullest personal potential that they have been given in Christ. God loves each and every one of them so very much, and He has a plan for their lives. By helping them achieve an education while loving on them and teaching them about God, I have the opportunity to help them understand their value in Christ and their purpose in Christ…to love and glorify Him! As they reach their personal potentials, they will do just that. (And my prayer is that this impact will spread beyond my students to their families and then to the community around them.) If I get to be even a little part of that process, I will consider it a joy!

But now, here I am…trying to prepare to begin working with kids, and I don’t even know where to start. In the beginning of living here in San Pablo, I was talking a lot with our friend, Mitchel, about how I might go about things. He then introduced me to the supervisor of all of the schools in this area (who happens to live just a few doors down from my house). This man, best intentioned, began telling me of all of the students that were in school that had special needs and how he would love for me to work with them in my house while they continued their enrollment in these other schools, enabling them to move up in grades. In the days following, I grew completely overwhelmed. I had wanted to come to San Pablo to help those kids who didn’t have the opportunity to go to school. But now I was hearing about all of these students that are in school but not moving forward because their teachers don’t know how to help them. Is that not just as harmful to those students as it is for those who cannot even attend classes? But as I continued to hear about more and more child who are needing help, I knew that there was no way that I could work with all of them and provide them with what they need. It would become just another classroom with general activities for everyone that didn’t address individual needs. At the best, it would be a good social environment where they knew they were loved…but I want more than that for them!

So I talked to my parents, and I spent a lot of time thinking and praying, and I decided that I needed to take a step back. I want to be able to dive in and do a lot quickly, but that could be the most harmful approach. I think that I need to take this slowly so that I can gain a little bit of experience while having room to breathe and do so.

Furthermore, as I am reading this book, When Helping Hurts, I am realizing how harmful it would be for me to swoop in and gather up all of the students with special needs and be the one providing all assistance to them. First of all, I am only one person, and I can only do so much on my own. But even more importantly, this town and some of the teachers of this town may have the gifts and talents and resources to be able to help many of these students move forward if only they were given the opportunity to recognize and develop those gifts. And then it wouldn’t be the North American girl swooping in to try to save the day…when in fact she actually has no idea what she is doing in this new town and culture and would surely do more harm than good.

With that in mind and still knowing that things are very much up in the air at this point, this is the approach that I am taking right now:
Next week, I will begin working with a few students three mornings a week. The first week, we are only doing 9:00am to 12:00pm; we see how things go and go from there! I have four children lined up to be my first students at this point. One is an almost nine year old who is deaf and has a seizure disorder and apparent severe learning disabilities. Another is a young girl with cerebral palsy who has twisted limbs and is confined to a wheelchair; she communicates verbally, but only in Tz’utujil, not Spanish…and yet she has a smile and joy that can light up any room. The third is a nine year old boy who is deaf, but as far as I can tell, has no cognitive delays. He is very excited to start, as he has never been to school before, but is one bright little guy with incredible potential. The fourth is a nine year old girl that I have not yet had the opportunity to meet. Her dad came to me asking for help because she is enrolled in school but learning very little and not moving up in grades. The plan is for her to continue in afternoon school but still join us at my house in the mornings. I will begin seeking out and accepting other students as time passes, but again…starting slowly. This will be a very casual start in which I will be doing lots of little activities to try to learn where my students are at emotionally, physically, intellectually, etc. Since these children have never been in school and I have never been a teacher beyond a student teacher setting, it is going to be a learning experience for us all, but I am excited about the opportunity!

Beyond these students, I am asking that those who are enrolled in school already continue in school for the time being, both for the reasons listed above and because I cannot offer all subjects that the schools have to offer. However, I will use the other two mornings of my week to visit the classrooms of teachers who have students with special needs and are asking for support. I will spend the earlier times simply observing in the classroom to see how the teacher interacts with the child, how the child engages in the class, and what is and is not working. In each case, I hope to be able to spend time talking with the teacher, the student, and the students’ family to learn from them what the student’s strengths are, as well as his/her interests and hobbies are, how he/she participates in activities at home and in the community, etc. Based on these observations and discussions with all involved, my hope is that the teacher, student, family, and I can form a plan of action for the next step. It could be me working with the teacher to help him find little ways to support the student directly in the classroom on a day-to-day basis so that the student can thrive without any outside help. It could be an arrangement that is made in which the student is pulled just for certain subject areas to provide additional support in areas of struggle. It could be that the child goes through the school day as usual but that I provide tutoring in specific subject areas in the afternoon. (School days are only half days in most schools here in Guatemala.) Or it could be than an entirely different plan is set in place.

So this will be the general approach that I start with here in the beginning. My hope is that as the year progresses, I will be able to increase the number of days that I am working with my students who are not in school. (I cannot start with five days a week, because I still do not know how of this is going to work with my schedule in the schools. Some students have morning classes, and some have afternoon classes. I need to determine how to best spread out my time based on which students are on which schedule.) However, I will need to be patient and just wait and see, evaluating and being proactive as I go. This is something that sounds absurd for the U.S. culture; I know this. But I am no longer in the U.S. culture, and it seems that this is going to be the best approach for now. As I learn what the children of this town are most needing and what the families and teachers are most accepting of, I will be able to better narrow down my approach and fill my schedule to the fullest. In the meantime, this is where I am!

On Tuesday, my brother, Jeremiah, and friend, Andi Brubaker, came to San Pablo to help me repaint the inside of my house. The walls have been rather gross ever since I moved in, but there was little for me to do about it. (If I scrubbed, the paint came off…but that would almost have been a better alternative.) Over Tuesday evening and all of Wednesday, we were able to get my kitchen, bedroom, and the garage/school room painted. The guys headed home by bus Thursday morning since Andi had to head back to the U.S. on Friday. But my friend, Joel, who is working here in San Pablo right now came and helped me finish the bathroom and pila area this afternoon. So I am proud to say…I have a clean and fresh looking house! J Now I get to begin transforming my garage into a classroom! My parents picked up some needed supplies for me in Guatemala City, and my dad dropped those things off on Tuesday when he dropped off Jeremiah and Andi. I am very excited to set up the room tomorrow! I think it will boost my excitement and motivation. I’ll be sure to get pictures to post the next time!

For my Christ following friends, I would ask you to please join me in prayer. I am completely inadequate and, in my opinion, very unprepared. However, God is more than enough! And if He brought me here, He surely has a plan for using my inadequacy for His glory! So please join me in praying that I cling tightly to Him and the power that is available to me as a child of the King. Pray also that I would keep my eyes and ears open to what God is doing and saying so that my decisions and approaches reflect only that. Pray for my first four students, Marta Delores, María, Jaris, and María ___ (I apologize, I cannot recall her second name), as well as the next few to come. And please pray that I would relax and enjoy doing that which God has given me a passion to do. I tend to tense up and put the pressure on myself in situations like this, but that is not only in direct opposition to what God desires, but it hurts my efforts more than anything else. Finally, pray that God is glorified here in my life and in my home. I want to radiate his love to my students, to their families, and to the town. And I want to learn to see Him radiating from my other brothers and sisters in Christ here in San Pablo, as we work together for one kingdom!

Thank you for reading my scatter-brained post! A strictly picture post will follow…probably on Sunday!

And another view from my roof one evening

Painful Lessons to Learn and the Joy Following

Hello, Friends. For those of you who have been led to believe that something terrible happened to me leading to this absence of posts in the last two months, I want to assure you that all is well. I find myself alive and even quite healthy. :) However, I do want to apologize for the lack of updates. Three things have contributed to this, but I cannot say that any of the three excuse me from this error.

First, things got busy with my trips home for Thanksgiving and then Christmas and New Years. (I had forgotten how crazy busy things always are at the house.) After that, I came back to San Pablo and found my self emotionally overwhelmed by the fact that 1) I was back here to stay and 2) I do not feel prepared or qualified for anything that I am supposed to do this year. This emotional mess caused me to go through a serious of ‘highs’ and ‘lows’ that never left me in a stable position from which I could update. (My closest friends and family could attest to this, as they heard from me during those times…particularly the lows.) And, finally, I have done poorly at properly organizing my priorities to allow time for writing blog posts. When things are hard or busy here, I tend to write off blog posts as not having high importance…but I believe that is an error in my thinking.

Blog posts are important for a few reasons. 1) They keep my family and friends informed about what I am doing here so that we can stay connected. 2) They hold me accountable to others (and myself) for what I am doing here by forcing me to break down where I am and what steps I am taking forward…whatever kinds of steps those might be at the time. 3) The force me to slow down and recognize what God is teaching me, while hopefully encouraging and challenging some others, as well. Now that this has been established…Update time!

So, as I told you, I came back from Christmas with my family feeling very overwhelmed. Champ and I were sad to come back to an empty house with no kiddos to play with or sisters and parents to talk with…and I was at a loss of what to do without diaper changes and feedings and floor playtime (the kids’, not mine). (; At first, it was a simple sadness that I knew I would need to work through. But as days went by, I began to sink lower and lower, letting myself fall into the habit of thinking on how lonely I was and how this was not how I had wanted things to be. My mind wandered into dangerous territory as I began to see this all as a sort of trap that I had voluntarily stepped into. I was not going to turn and run home because I had committed this to God and committed to myself that I would always obey and trust Him. But I was beginning to accept the idea that I was never going to be happy here. I would have to learn to live with the joy of the Lord even while being…well, miserable. (Keep in mind, I am just being honest about my thoughts and feelings during that time.)

During this time, I kept asking God: Why are things like this? Why am I so discouraged when I followed You here? What is wrong with my heart? And the guilt set in because I was not happy with where He has brought me.

And then last week, I was writing one of my sisters, and suddenly God was answering me…through my own typing fingers. That’s the only way I know how to explain it. I will just copy and paste part of the message directly so that you understand what I mean:

“…I will be praying for them (...) and for you (…). God can bring healing into all of our lives if we will let Him in. So we need to be praying that we can all soften our hearts to let Him do so. (That is what I am praying for myself right now because I am at such a low spot emotionally...God does not have full reign over my heart right now because...well,...I guess I am not believing that He truly knows best.)

Wow.

I didn't realize that was my problem until right now. These few days, I have been clinging to the idea that if things were just as I knew best (if I had a roommate or partner in ministry or husband), things would be okay. But God knows far better than me...and I need to spend enough time talking with Him about this and clinging to Him until that truth that I know fully in my head...takes root in the bottom of my heart.

Man...writing this message has suddenly turned into a really good Father lesson for Brittney. Haha. I can't tell you how much I've been struggling this week. It could probably be best described as depression. I think it is triggered by the enemy's attack and amplified and deepened by my surrender and cowering to his attacks...when all I have to do is give God control to take it. He wins the battles for us…we are called only to trust Him, give Him the reigns, and cling desperately to Him while He takes the lead and fights for us...knowing that His power is more than enough.

I have some repentance that I need to take care of...and a battle that I need to let God take the lead on...because most of this week, I've been giving into the enemy's attack and crumpled on the ground in defeat thinking, "there's nothing left to do." But then...there IS nothing left for ME to do. Ahh...my heart is feeling a little bit lighter. So the healing begins.

How ironic is that?? I had trusted God enough to take the leap to moving here on my own, but I did not trust Him enough to know best for me and help me find happiness here. Honestly, it is embarrassing to put it into words (me, the girl who asked Jesus into her heart at age four and decided she wanted to be a missionary at age 7), but it was the only thing that helped me to see what was really wrong in my heart: I have not been trusting God.

So at that point I had to ask myself the following questions:

Do I believe God is good? I mean really, truly good. Yes.
Has God ever shown Himself to be anything but faithful in my time of relationship with Him? No.
Then what reason do I have to not trust Him now? None.

See, in the midst of all of this, I have been reading through the Old Testament. I’m in Joshua right now, but over the past few books, I have watched as the Israelites have gone through a rather immature and frustrating cycle:
They share relationship with God…
   …see His goodness, power, and provision,
      …say “yes” to him and so move on to the next step of God’s plan,
         …face challenges, cry out against God for “bringing them there to die”,
            …try to find their own way,
               …fail and come crawling back to God,
                  …receive forgiveness from the Lord Almighty,
…resume relationship with Him,
   …see His goodness, power, and provision
      …..etc. etc.

Irritating, right? Absurd, right? They never once saw God fail them (except for letting them go when they say, “enough of this, we’ll take it from here!”) and yet the moment they saw trouble… “Why God?? Why?! It would be better to be dead or in slavery!” Meanwhile, he looking at them and saying, “Hey! Look up here! Do you remember Who I Am? Do you remember all that I’ve done for you? Do you really think I brought you here without a plan? Do you really think that band of enemies or that sea or that tall, thick wall around the city has any power to stop me? Come on, guys. I love you more than you could possibly know, but snap out of it! I told you I would take you to the promised land, and that’s where you’re going! Get off your bums, wipe those tears, and let’s go. Trust me for once. I see what is ahead…all that is ahead…and I’ve got it. The obstacles are part of the plan. Stop cowering and enjoy hanging on for the ride! It’s time to show the world how big and good I am.” (Don’t take those as quotes from God…I’m just making a point.)

As you can see, the Israelites really frustrate me. But, wait…what’s that you say? The beginning of my post makes me sound like one of them? How dare you! That’s crazy talk!

Clearly it’s not.

Hi. My name is Brittney Fulp, and am a foolish Israelite.
(The first step is acceptance.)

It’s kind of crazy that such a realization could make me feel better, but man! does it! Suddenly, the problem is no longer the failure of my powerful God but my own failure. It is not that my big, powerful God is not good…it is that I don’t yet understand the definition of “good”. I don’t have eyes to see the good. But that can be fixed! He can open by eyes and do healing on my heart. In the meantime, I can rest in who He is.

Isn’t that incredible?! I think that’s incredible.

So the next morning, after I wrote that message to my sister, I started out my day with a short letter to my God. And although I usually don’t like to share my prayer journal, I am going to share this one with all of you:

Good morning, Lord!

This is a new morning and a new week! I want to ask Your forgiveness for the way I have spent this last week. I have told You with my thoughts and actions that I know best. I have subconsciously made the decision that I know better than You and I have mourned that I am here “alone”.

But, Lord God Almighty, You are Good. You are goodness itself! You have always, always proven Yourself faithful and when things have gone awry, it has always come back to the sin of your people…or Your people’s failure to see the big picture. Because, really, only You know!

Forgive me for not trusting You. Forgive me for claiming that I know better. forgive me for accepting and collapsing before the enemy’s lies even when You have taught me so many of Your truths that stand against them. Today I open Your Word to receive Your truths again. To receive new truths that I must relearn. And I bow my knees and open my hands to receive all that You offer…both what I have declared “good” and that which I have declared “bad” because, frankly, it is not mine to label. Who am I to determine what is good? I am weak and foolish with a distorted and limited view. For me to convince myself that I know one why or another on what is “good” is foolishness on my part. Pry open my heart to receive Your truths!

I want to know You more today!

This brings me to now. I sit here in my kitchen in San Pablo La Laguna, Sololá, Guatemala. My situation has not changed from what it was a week or two ago. But I have! Because God is doing His loving (and sometimes painful) work on my heart. I still struggle with loneliness some days. I still do not understand exactly why God brought me to this specific place with so little experience and so very much to learn. But I do not need to understand that to be okay. Because, remember what I just learned? I can rest in who He is. I am the inconsistent and wavering one with the changing ideas of what is best for me and those around me. But that God that I’ve been talking about? He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

So do I really need to understand in order to be happy? Not if I truly believe that the One in control is good, all-knowing, and all-powerful.

And that, my friends, He is. <3



Note: I know this is another heart update and not as much a situation update. So another blog will be very soon to follow! This next one will cover my goals, plans, and course of action. At least the bit that I know for myself thus far. (: