Loneliness and A New Way of Life

I think it is safe to say that this has been one of the most stretching weeks of my life. Not the most difficult. Not the worst. But probably the most stretching. And I would say that it is a stretching of my emotions and my mindset more than anything else.

For those who have not been following my move, I packed everything up on Tuesday and my Dad, Don Riley, and two of my sisters (Krishauna and Taryn) brought me here to San Pablo La Laguna, my new home. We spent some time working on the house, headed to San Pedro to spend the night in a hotel (as a bit of indoor construction work was still underway) and we returned the next morning to finish unpacking and doing odds and ends in the house. My dad and Don then headed home but my sisters stuck around to help me get started. This is where I left off on my last blog post.

My sisters were here from Wednesday until yesterday (Monday) morning. During that time, we worked together to figure out how I was going to need to run things around here. We had a few foods that my mom let me take from home to help us get started or get us out of a jam when we were stuck (a couple boxes of mac-n-cheese, some crackers, coffee, a bit of rice, sugar, salt, and milk power, peanut butter (who-hoo!) and a few other treats) but we knew that I had to learn and our supplies wouldn’t last long, so we set out on Wednesday afternoon to learn! First, we headed to Pastor Efraín and Bety’s house to talk with the family and see how they were doing. Their daughter had just come home from the hospital with her new little boy, so we got to meet the precious little guy and catch up with the whole family. They then graciously sent their friend and house worker to go with us to show us where we could buy a few veggies and cooking supplies for dinner. (It is easy enough to find these things in a town like this—there are tiendas [little house stores] galore! But it can be a little harder for foreigners like us to know the fare price of these items in a new town since many store owners are quite eager to take advantage of a white skinned buyer, and prices vary from town to down).

One of the streets in town
 

So within ten minutes of setting out with María for food, we were back at my house with our veggies and additional items. That meal and the meals to follow were a bit interesting as we had to experiment with my funny little stove and oven and our new foods to try to get things right, but we ended up with some pretty delicious meals (aside from a couple of rough sides). This was thanks to my sisters because, for those of you who don’t know me well, I have no idea how to cook. But…I am learning! And I will continue to learn and practice until it is natural for me (I say with feigned confidence). But that little trip out with María was the first of multiple trips out last week.

Many cooking attempts...some a little rough, some wonderful! All with very few ingredients 
 
   


The next morning, the girls and I made and ate breakfast and I had some quiet time with God. During my prayer time, I talked to God about our plans for the day but asked Him to override or rearrange our plans as he saw fit. Our plan had been to head out on our own right after that to explore and look for more tiendas and needed supplies. But as I grabbed my dog’s leash and headed out the front door, there was our friend and translator, Mitchel (he has been working with our ministry ever since we started making trips to San Pablo to work with families here), standing at the doorstep. He asked our plans for day, and we told him. He said that he was asking because he wanted to invite us to watch a girl’s soccer game in which he was the coach and his wife, María, was the referee. We eagerly accepted the invitation and then he offered to take us walking around town to point out various tiendas and meat shops to buy what we need. We eagerly accepted that, as well. Over the next twenty minutes or so, he was able to point out to us the best places to go for fair prices and good quality food on all of the main streets here in town. He even introduced us to the owners of a couple of places so that we felt comfortable with them, as well as the prices they give us. That trip out left me feeling so much better about buying things on my own. Another answer to prayer!

Girl’s soccer game!


My goal, as well as my sisters’ goal, for this first full week here has been to push myself out of my comfort zone and get out there as much as possible. I believe that I am naturally an extreme introvert but that God has been changing me for His purposes in recent years and that it is my job to do everything that I can to let Him continue to do so. So the first few days here I would say to my sisters, “I really want to stay shut up in this house right now, so let’s go on a walk.” Or, “I’d really like some privacy right now (so people don’t see me looking ridiculous as I try to cut vegetables and cook), so let’s make sure the front door to the street stays open” or “I feel like there might be some coldness coming from some of the owner’s family, so I’m going to go ask them if they can help me learn some new Tz’utujil words”. And when I didn’t state these things, Krishauna would recognize them and determine them for me. (Thanks, Shauna!) We also did a ton of scrubbing on my filthy, filthy walls to make the house a little more…homey. Those five days and five nights, we learned a lot and I came far in growing more comfortable in my house as well as my town.

A couple of before and after photos showing the type of cleaning we were doing
  
  
My clean water source, my broom-made-into-a-mop, and my hot water source (something not many people have here)
  

Some scenes that I see when I look out my front door or window:
 
 

But yesterday morning at 9:30 my sisters climbed on a van headed for Antigua, and suddenly I was alone. I came back to the house where Champ was waiting and I hugged him and pet him, and I cried. Not because I’ve never been alone before. And not because I’m already homesick. I cried because although I will get to go back to visit my family for the holidays and other times in the future, I live here now. I live in a house with just my dog in the middle of a culture that is not only unlike the culture of my home country but also unlike the culture of the town where I have lived for the past 3 1/2 years. And while I know some people here from our once a month trips to San Pablo, I don’t know them well and none of them really know me. And further, I have never had the desire to live alone. Ever. Maybe with a couple of sisters or friends. Certainly with a husband. But never have I had a desire to live by myself. And yet here I am. All of this was hitting me like a fist to the gut and suddenly, I didn’t even know how to make rice for lunch. I messed it up before I had even really gotten started. I called home in tears, and spent some time talking to my mom. (I had done the same with my dad a few days before.)

I hate sharing this stuff because it makes me look like a very young and foolish little girl, but…well, that’s how I felt yesterday, and I just want to be honest with all of you. I think we all have our low points and too often we are too busy hiding it to know that others have them, too, and even more…that our weaknesses are opportunities for God to show His power. So since I am sharing these weaknesses, when things are going well here and lives are being changed, no one can say “Good work, Brittney! You are awesome doing what you do!” Instead can say, “Wow, Britt, you never could have pulled that off on your own. (I remember because you were a mess in the beginning) but how cool that God chose to use you while He did his work!”

So, after talking with my mom a bit (and getting some tips for how to prepare the rice the Guatemalan way), I hung up the phone, finished preparing my lunch, ate through tears, washed and dried my dishes, washed some clothes, hung them on the roof, and sat down for some time to myself. I spend time praying and talking to God (although struggling to keep the right mindset) and then I was a lazy for a bit.

 

Eventually, a few 11 and 12 year old girls that live behind my house came to my gated door, calling in for Champ and then calling me. I went out to talk with them and they helped me practice my new Tz’utujil vocabulary that they have been teaching me. It helped me relax a little bit and get my mind off of things. I then went on a walk with a friend (who is the young mother of one of the children our ministry helps) to the lake’s shore and talked with her about her interesting weekend. By the time we got back to the house, it was getting dark and I still was not quite myself emotionally, so I closed my door (something I don’t like to do until later in the night) and I had some more time to myself. I got on Facebook and received a message from my dear friend, Jon, who has become like a close brother. When he realized that I was struggling, it came to his mind to walk me through 1 Chronicles 16:7-12. So that is what we did! He broke it down verse by verse and we did what those verses said, giving thanks to God, calling on his name, singing praise and telling of his wonderful acts, seeking the Lord and his strength and remembering the works He has done as well as the promises that He has given us. By the end, my eyes and heart were directed where they should be and I was feeling much better.

Thank you, Lord, for using my friend to do your work on my heart in the moment I most needed it!

God also reminded me of something yesterday. I have been feeling like this adventure is not enjoyable because I have no one with whom to share it. But that isn’t true. This, in fact, is the perfect opportunity for me to walk hand in hand with my God, many distractions now aside, and fall more in love with Him than ever before. For now, I have no husband. For now, I have no close friends or family by my side. But I do have my God. And He can be for me a father, a mother, a husband, and a best friend all while being my Creator, King, and Lord. Is that not amazing?! So maybe this “loneliness” is something beautiful that God planned for me in this part of my life. Not so that I would be heartbroken but so that I could learn to love and be loved like never before. I love that. My God is incredible! And all for His glory. (Is He not best glorified when His creation is loving and glorifying Him?!)

I then headed to bed without dinner (messed up emotions also mess up your appetite) but feeling very a peace. This morning, I woke up at 6:30 feeling very well rested and quite positive about things. I have no doubt that yesterday was another day of me accepting lies from the enemies (my dad and I had this conversation just days before), and I have no doubt that these lies will be thrown at me again. But I am going to be more intentional about seeking out and rereading the truths of God so that I learn to speak them against the lies as they arise. I’m going to let God prepare me for battle…because there is going to be a lot of that around here as God does His work in the hearts and lives of the children and adults in this town.

Alright, I needed to share that with all of you because, frankly, this heart stuff is of greater importance than that which follows in this post. But so that you, my friends and family, understand what all I am doing here, I will give a more schedule oriented update of what today is looking like thus far and how I expect many days will look a bit like in the future.

6:30 to 8:00 Rise and shine! Shower and get ready, open up curtains, doors and windows, let my dog on the roof to use the restroom (more on that in the pictures), go on a walk to buy bread to go with breakfast, make and eat breakfast, wash dishes, and do any necessary odds-n-ends.

8:00-10:00 Sit on the outside doorstep for Bible reading and prayer journaling (something not many people seem to do here) and be interrupted by curious children and neighbors. Have conversations and build relationships and then, if not yet finished and having too many interruptions, head inside to finish quiet time. Sweep up in and outside the house, clean up the dog’s potty area on the roof, wash any necessary laundry and hang on the roof to dry.

My favorite sitting spot in the house, the 'pila' for washing dishes and clothes, my clothesline on the roof, and Champ's potty spot on the roof (yes, that is saw dust and wood shavings...apparently that's how they do things here)
   

10:00-12:30 Study new Tz’utujil vocab, blog and/or send emails/messages (the photo below is of the paper where I am keeping track of the Tz’utujil words [and their Spanish equivalent usually] that I have been taught…some of them are written correctly and others are written to help me better pronounce them)


12:30 Make lunch (however long that might take) and eat, making it the biggest meal of the day (and hopefully making extras to store in fridge for quick, small dinners when necessary.

Afternoon hours: Take a walk, buy needed veggies for the rest of the day and maybe the next. Stop and talk to neighbors and tienda owners whenever they seem eager or willing. Spend time with the children and young teens who randomly pop by and call out “Chomp!” (aka: Champ) or “Bdeet-naaay!” (aka: me). Work on making plans for academic assessment and teaching of children with special needs here in town and gathering resources.

6:30 Eat a small dinner and clean myself up.

7:00 Possibly go to evening church service (many churches have services almost every night of the week).

8:00 Go back to my house to sit on the door step to visit with the girls and women selling fruits and vegetables there, learning and practicing Tz’utujil vocab and grammar.

Whenever I feel like it: Heading inside and closing up doors and windows to get a little time to myself before bed.

10:00 Turn off porch lights (as the women are done selling) and head to bed.

This is pretty much what this day will look like and close to what the average day will look like for now. As I move into working with specific children, I will let you all know what is happening! I am trying to focus on the language learning and the nailing down and increased speed of the skills needed for daily life here in these beginning weeks. But very soon, I hope to begin talking with families that we know and determining which students I am going to work with first and what I can do to best help them in the time that I have with them. In a future post, I will give you all a description of the vision that I have for how this program might work, but in the meantime…this is my start here!

The timing isn’t ideal (as I am still getting started here), but tomorrow my parents will come to pick me up (and see the little life that God and I…and Champ…are building here) so that I can be with my family for Thanksgiving and a special weekend with everyone from the home and ministry. Monday or Tuesday, I will be back here to resume life in San Pablo for a few weeks until Christmas. (Don’t worry, I won’t always be back and forth so frequently!)

Can’t wait to see all that God has in store! And I’m not quite as anxious but certainly ready to see what God still has left to do in my heart. For those of you who are Christ-followers, I would greatly appreciate your prayers as He does this work in me so that He can do work through me.