Painful Lessons to Learn and the Joy Following

Hello, Friends. For those of you who have been led to believe that something terrible happened to me leading to this absence of posts in the last two months, I want to assure you that all is well. I find myself alive and even quite healthy. :) However, I do want to apologize for the lack of updates. Three things have contributed to this, but I cannot say that any of the three excuse me from this error.

First, things got busy with my trips home for Thanksgiving and then Christmas and New Years. (I had forgotten how crazy busy things always are at the house.) After that, I came back to San Pablo and found my self emotionally overwhelmed by the fact that 1) I was back here to stay and 2) I do not feel prepared or qualified for anything that I am supposed to do this year. This emotional mess caused me to go through a serious of ‘highs’ and ‘lows’ that never left me in a stable position from which I could update. (My closest friends and family could attest to this, as they heard from me during those times…particularly the lows.) And, finally, I have done poorly at properly organizing my priorities to allow time for writing blog posts. When things are hard or busy here, I tend to write off blog posts as not having high importance…but I believe that is an error in my thinking.

Blog posts are important for a few reasons. 1) They keep my family and friends informed about what I am doing here so that we can stay connected. 2) They hold me accountable to others (and myself) for what I am doing here by forcing me to break down where I am and what steps I am taking forward…whatever kinds of steps those might be at the time. 3) The force me to slow down and recognize what God is teaching me, while hopefully encouraging and challenging some others, as well. Now that this has been established…Update time!

So, as I told you, I came back from Christmas with my family feeling very overwhelmed. Champ and I were sad to come back to an empty house with no kiddos to play with or sisters and parents to talk with…and I was at a loss of what to do without diaper changes and feedings and floor playtime (the kids’, not mine). (; At first, it was a simple sadness that I knew I would need to work through. But as days went by, I began to sink lower and lower, letting myself fall into the habit of thinking on how lonely I was and how this was not how I had wanted things to be. My mind wandered into dangerous territory as I began to see this all as a sort of trap that I had voluntarily stepped into. I was not going to turn and run home because I had committed this to God and committed to myself that I would always obey and trust Him. But I was beginning to accept the idea that I was never going to be happy here. I would have to learn to live with the joy of the Lord even while being…well, miserable. (Keep in mind, I am just being honest about my thoughts and feelings during that time.)

During this time, I kept asking God: Why are things like this? Why am I so discouraged when I followed You here? What is wrong with my heart? And the guilt set in because I was not happy with where He has brought me.

And then last week, I was writing one of my sisters, and suddenly God was answering me…through my own typing fingers. That’s the only way I know how to explain it. I will just copy and paste part of the message directly so that you understand what I mean:

“…I will be praying for them (...) and for you (…). God can bring healing into all of our lives if we will let Him in. So we need to be praying that we can all soften our hearts to let Him do so. (That is what I am praying for myself right now because I am at such a low spot emotionally...God does not have full reign over my heart right now because...well,...I guess I am not believing that He truly knows best.)

Wow.

I didn't realize that was my problem until right now. These few days, I have been clinging to the idea that if things were just as I knew best (if I had a roommate or partner in ministry or husband), things would be okay. But God knows far better than me...and I need to spend enough time talking with Him about this and clinging to Him until that truth that I know fully in my head...takes root in the bottom of my heart.

Man...writing this message has suddenly turned into a really good Father lesson for Brittney. Haha. I can't tell you how much I've been struggling this week. It could probably be best described as depression. I think it is triggered by the enemy's attack and amplified and deepened by my surrender and cowering to his attacks...when all I have to do is give God control to take it. He wins the battles for us…we are called only to trust Him, give Him the reigns, and cling desperately to Him while He takes the lead and fights for us...knowing that His power is more than enough.

I have some repentance that I need to take care of...and a battle that I need to let God take the lead on...because most of this week, I've been giving into the enemy's attack and crumpled on the ground in defeat thinking, "there's nothing left to do." But then...there IS nothing left for ME to do. Ahh...my heart is feeling a little bit lighter. So the healing begins.

How ironic is that?? I had trusted God enough to take the leap to moving here on my own, but I did not trust Him enough to know best for me and help me find happiness here. Honestly, it is embarrassing to put it into words (me, the girl who asked Jesus into her heart at age four and decided she wanted to be a missionary at age 7), but it was the only thing that helped me to see what was really wrong in my heart: I have not been trusting God.

So at that point I had to ask myself the following questions:

Do I believe God is good? I mean really, truly good. Yes.
Has God ever shown Himself to be anything but faithful in my time of relationship with Him? No.
Then what reason do I have to not trust Him now? None.

See, in the midst of all of this, I have been reading through the Old Testament. I’m in Joshua right now, but over the past few books, I have watched as the Israelites have gone through a rather immature and frustrating cycle:
They share relationship with God…
   …see His goodness, power, and provision,
      …say “yes” to him and so move on to the next step of God’s plan,
         …face challenges, cry out against God for “bringing them there to die”,
            …try to find their own way,
               …fail and come crawling back to God,
                  …receive forgiveness from the Lord Almighty,
…resume relationship with Him,
   …see His goodness, power, and provision
      …..etc. etc.

Irritating, right? Absurd, right? They never once saw God fail them (except for letting them go when they say, “enough of this, we’ll take it from here!”) and yet the moment they saw trouble… “Why God?? Why?! It would be better to be dead or in slavery!” Meanwhile, he looking at them and saying, “Hey! Look up here! Do you remember Who I Am? Do you remember all that I’ve done for you? Do you really think I brought you here without a plan? Do you really think that band of enemies or that sea or that tall, thick wall around the city has any power to stop me? Come on, guys. I love you more than you could possibly know, but snap out of it! I told you I would take you to the promised land, and that’s where you’re going! Get off your bums, wipe those tears, and let’s go. Trust me for once. I see what is ahead…all that is ahead…and I’ve got it. The obstacles are part of the plan. Stop cowering and enjoy hanging on for the ride! It’s time to show the world how big and good I am.” (Don’t take those as quotes from God…I’m just making a point.)

As you can see, the Israelites really frustrate me. But, wait…what’s that you say? The beginning of my post makes me sound like one of them? How dare you! That’s crazy talk!

Clearly it’s not.

Hi. My name is Brittney Fulp, and am a foolish Israelite.
(The first step is acceptance.)

It’s kind of crazy that such a realization could make me feel better, but man! does it! Suddenly, the problem is no longer the failure of my powerful God but my own failure. It is not that my big, powerful God is not good…it is that I don’t yet understand the definition of “good”. I don’t have eyes to see the good. But that can be fixed! He can open by eyes and do healing on my heart. In the meantime, I can rest in who He is.

Isn’t that incredible?! I think that’s incredible.

So the next morning, after I wrote that message to my sister, I started out my day with a short letter to my God. And although I usually don’t like to share my prayer journal, I am going to share this one with all of you:

Good morning, Lord!

This is a new morning and a new week! I want to ask Your forgiveness for the way I have spent this last week. I have told You with my thoughts and actions that I know best. I have subconsciously made the decision that I know better than You and I have mourned that I am here “alone”.

But, Lord God Almighty, You are Good. You are goodness itself! You have always, always proven Yourself faithful and when things have gone awry, it has always come back to the sin of your people…or Your people’s failure to see the big picture. Because, really, only You know!

Forgive me for not trusting You. Forgive me for claiming that I know better. forgive me for accepting and collapsing before the enemy’s lies even when You have taught me so many of Your truths that stand against them. Today I open Your Word to receive Your truths again. To receive new truths that I must relearn. And I bow my knees and open my hands to receive all that You offer…both what I have declared “good” and that which I have declared “bad” because, frankly, it is not mine to label. Who am I to determine what is good? I am weak and foolish with a distorted and limited view. For me to convince myself that I know one why or another on what is “good” is foolishness on my part. Pry open my heart to receive Your truths!

I want to know You more today!

This brings me to now. I sit here in my kitchen in San Pablo La Laguna, Sololá, Guatemala. My situation has not changed from what it was a week or two ago. But I have! Because God is doing His loving (and sometimes painful) work on my heart. I still struggle with loneliness some days. I still do not understand exactly why God brought me to this specific place with so little experience and so very much to learn. But I do not need to understand that to be okay. Because, remember what I just learned? I can rest in who He is. I am the inconsistent and wavering one with the changing ideas of what is best for me and those around me. But that God that I’ve been talking about? He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

So do I really need to understand in order to be happy? Not if I truly believe that the One in control is good, all-knowing, and all-powerful.

And that, my friends, He is. <3



Note: I know this is another heart update and not as much a situation update. So another blog will be very soon to follow! This next one will cover my goals, plans, and course of action. At least the bit that I know for myself thus far. (: